On the heels of an election that came as no surprise to math aficionados like Nate Silver but left a presidential candidate, Fox News anchors and viewers "shell-shocked", confused, angry and even crying, Fox News President Roger Ailes announced the network's merger with Speechtrans (the foreign language translating app that allows people in one foreign language universe to communicate with those in "alternate" language realities).
"The trauma of truth, math and science clashing with day-in-day-out bullshit we report and viewers swallow must never again be repeated," Ailes told a packed news conference yesterday, just three days after the election. "When literally thousands of polls sampling tens of thousands of voters spanning every demographic are saying 'Obama', it's kind of silly to be saying 'Ohhh, but each and every one of these binders of polls are within a margin of error' as I heard our anchor Megyn Kelly saying ad nauseam the other day," Ailes said.
"There are only so many memos I can send to our anchor men and women Gretchen Carlson, Steve Doocy, Neil Cavuto and Dobbs warning them of the emotional landmine in believing even one iota of the crap we let go, let alone all of it hook, line and sinker," he added.
"Dick Morris was supposed to be doing focus group polls of broad demographic groups for Clinton instead of letting prostitutes he was group poling listen in on confidential conversations with the president. Why in the hell would anyone trust Morris when he repeatedly predicted Romney would win in a landslide? This guy even won the 'Andrew Sullivan Award for Making Stunningly Wrong Political, Social and Cultural Predictions', for Crissakes."
"We have never received so many calls from troubled and traumatized viewers," Ailes continued. "The very first call we got late Tuesday night was from Romney himself demanding we provide grief counseling for Ann and himself. He claimed to be 'severely' distressed because Rove told him Monday his numbers showed 'I was on the verge of winning every state. I was up 97-3 among birthers, creationists, climate change deniers, and people who did not finish third grade. Among people who think dinosaurs are still alive and who believe in one or more government conspiracies I was up 99-1', Rove told him. Far be it from me to tell the governor that his big mistake was listening to the guy they called 'Bush's brain'."
Ailes was particularly flummoxed by Romney's claim that Rove said he'd sweep the nation "just like Texas."..."TEXAS! Are you fucking kidding me? The state's own constitution has this gem: 'No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this state; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being'. So many Texans, yet how many realize their own state's preeminent document reads like a Spoof or an Onion article"?
"How exactly will the Fox merger with Speechtrans help," shouted Geraldo Rivera of Fox?
"Very simple," replied Ailes. "Every Fox viewer will be implanted with the 'Seal Team Six' chip in his frontal lobe. If a viewer inadvertently switches TV channels and hears something... anything, that conflicts with something he saw or heard on Fox 'Seal Team Six' will search for, identify and destroy the contrary fact before it can influence the viewer's alternate Fox world view. Just like that... Poof! Rogue facts are isolated and destroyed before slipping in undetected."
Douglas Brinkley, Professor of History at Rice University, agreed that Fox News' use of Speechtrans could lessen the trauma and even reduce suicides by viewers who rely only on one news source when that news source is Fox. "Invariably, Fox viewers will hear or see things, whether it be on a different TV or radio station, from a neighbor, or in conversations overheard on a bus, train or plane. Something as innocent as a conversation between a dating political activist couple one booth over in a restaurant could cause great distress to someone with a world view gleaned exclusively from watching Hannity, O'Reilly, Limbaugh, Beck or from reading Trump tweets. The shock could be compared to the trauma of birth upon the newborn."
Brinkley added: "If this device can really do what Ailes says it can do, than the Fox viewer's existence in a constant state of truth denial need not be limited to the birther issue, climate change, how babies happen, and Bureau of Labor Statistics."
Karl Rove refused comment except to say he was sure the president's 108,000 vote margin in Ohio "would not hold up due to the 1,000 uncounted ballots in Republican leaning Lucas County and the ten uncounted ballots in Hamilton County."