WASHINGTON, D.C.--In an unprecedented move, President Obama suspended his campaign today to address the nation from the White House, where he forcefully and unequivocally stated that Mitt Romney's Mormon faith should prohibit him from ever serving as president.
"My fellow Americans, we are only a matter of hours before this nation makes its choice for President, and all polls still have the race at a dead heat. I address you tonight not to continue to rehash the issues we have already debated countless times and ways, but instead to remind the American people that Mitt Romney is a fucking Mormon," placing an usually high level of emphasis on the last three words.
After briefly pausing to regain his composure, the President continued, "I had hoped that it would not have to come to this. I had assumed that by this time, somebody, somewhere, would have taken the time to delve, in even the most superficial way, the beliefs of the Mormon Church and why they absolutely disqualify any adherent from holding high office. Frankly, I am appalled at the media, my fellow Democrats, and my base for not giving this issue the time and energy it deserves. So, with your permission, I would like to talk to you about the ridiculous fraud that is Mormonism, and its otherworldly teachings and practices."
Taking a deep breath, a visibly angry Obama continued to speak, "Mitt Romney believes Native Americans are a lost tribe of Israel, he wears magical undergarments to protect him from evil, and thinks God lives on the planet Kolob, which no astronomer has ever seen. It is very distressing to me that so many Americans appear willing to vote for a person who believes these things."
The President then proceeded to speak unabated for approximately 20 minutes about the many documented inaccuracies, expedient doctrinal changes, and outright falsehoods connected to the Mormon faith and its leaders.
"Let me spell this out: a man who believes in Joseph Smith's Golden Plates isn't mentally fit to run a pet store, let alone the greatest country in the world," said the President six minutes into his speech. "I know many Americans have their grievances with me: my health care reform, deficit spending, my administration's handling of Syria, the auto industry bailouts, et cetera. I am entirely willing to admit I might not the best man to lead America forward. But those Americans who disagree with me and my policies need to honestly ask themselves if electing a man who belongs to a church that baptizes Holocaust victims is really going to help the situation. Apparently 48 percent of you out there do."
"I must also take the time castigate the religious right for letting this man get the Republican nomination. I'm sorry, but when did believing Mary was not a virgin, Satan is Jesus' brother, and that there are countless numbers of gods, make you a Christian? I guess it doesn't matter as long as he's against abortion."
"Oh, and [Mormons are] rampaging homophobes and sexists," the president added, apparently extemporaneously. "I know some of you might not care, but I'll just throw it out there for those that might."
After wrapping up a four-minute section exploring the virulent and unapologetic racism of famed Mormon teacher Brigham Young, the commander-in-chief added, "Also, for the record, I would like to make it known for those of you who are unaware that Mitt Romney, until he was 31, belonged to a church that held black people could not get into heaven unless they entered as servants."
After pausing for approximately 15 seconds, Obama leaned forward into the camera and said rather slowly, "Until he was 30. Fucking. 1. In 1978. While some may allege I might be biased on this issue, if this isn't a problem for you, you need to re-examine who you are as a human being."
"I understand that some may be uncomfortable with this attack on Governor Romney's personal beliefs, and to that I say, 'Excuse me?' I still have to keep apologizing for knowing one minister who said some inflammatory things about American foreign policy. One guy. It wasn't like the every Baptist minister on the planet teaches that crap. But yes, every Mormon before 1978 believed that about blacks. Until they got a 'divine revelation' to stop doing so, which conveniently came around the time African-Americans gained widespread social acceptance."
"And don't any of you out there start with the whole 'Maybe he doesn't believe all of that stuff' crap. He does. He was a very active and enthusiastic missionary who I've never heard distance himself from anything about his church. And, not to beat a dead horse, but nobody except nobody gave me the benefit of the doubt that I didn't like Reverend Wright. Hell, some people think I'm a closet Muslim. But nobody has said one word about Mormonism, and I think now is as good a time as any."
"I mean just Google some basic facts about Mormonism, please?" a weary Obama seemed to be pleading towards the end of his speech. "If after five minutes you conclude that it is entirely reasonable for a grown man to believe in the Book of Mormon, I don't want your vote. I want you to remove yourself from the gene pool. For Chrissake, they believe the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. I mean…" the president then made an audible noise of disgust. "Look, if you hate me so much you're willing to vote for Romney even after all this, fine. Just don't come crying to me when coffee and alcohol are banned in federal buildings."