No More G-O-D in the G-O-P?
That's the word from Republican Party Chairman Reince Preibus, who spoke to reporters today from the Bible burning ceremony held at the Romney estate in Salem, Mass.
"We decided it was time to re-evaluate our religious views and the question everyone had was, "What has God done for us lately?"' was how Preibus began his explanation for the de-Christianization event. "We saturate our platform with his name liberally, I mean generously, and he treats us like we're Jezebel or Jane Fonda for crissakes. We start jihads against non-Christians in his name, we make austerity cuts to the 47% heathen deadbeats and provide tax cuts for those who put more in the collection plate than everyone else combined. Hell, we even put his name all over our most sacred possession - money - and what do we get for our investment in Christianity? We get our moneychangers booted out of the temple, that's what."
Some see it as ironic that the party that has vociferously denied climate change for years appears to be going through a political climate change within their own rank file. Preibus went on to explain how God is at fault for the difficulties their nominee has faced in his bid for the White House.
"Everything we've done, has been undone by acts of God," he ranted, grabbing the parables by the horns. "First our glorious tribute to ourselves, the Republican National Convention, ruined by Hurricane Isaac, God's first pre-emptive attack. Then, after good Christian solders like Charles and David Koch, Karl Rove and Sheldon Adelson spend billions to buy our pathetic nominee a chance, he strikes again with Hurricane Sandy."
It was the monster storm Sandy that stole the spotlight from the charging Romney and on President Barack Obama, a glow that shone even brighter when New Jersey Cow and Governor Chris Christie broke with party ranks to praise the incumbent's efforts. The party claims the damage goes beyond the storms themselves; it was the aftershock of Christie sharing the limelight with the President - a move that was key in turning the rising tide against both Romney and Christianity.
"That's pure treason to take up with the enemy like he did," radio buffoon Rush Limbaugh bellered in response to Christie's praise of Obama's efforts. "I don't care how much destruction the hurricane caused to his constituents, he's done ten times the damage to the party. Where does your loyalty lie, Mr. Christie? Obama isn't the soft-headed pushover that Al Bore was in 2000 or Kerry was in '04, so how the hell are we supposed to overcome this and steal the election next Tuesday?"
GOP loyalists contend "God's storm" served as the lightning rod that put the Christ back in Christie and turned the divine light on in the governor's head. The epiphany led the lord of lard to not only embrace the efforts of Obama, a big boo-boo in the land of GOP poo-poo, but he now believes that the people he serves are more important than the party he serves. That is heresy of the highest order on Planet GOP where billionaires like the Koch Brothers sit alone atop that lofty pedestal where there is no room for "nice guys" like Christie or God.
While God would not respond to repeated requests or prayers to comment on the allegations, many larger-than-life human figures began weighing in on the party's Mitt Romney-style reversal on religious policy like a plague of locusts.
"I'm on board with the change," Rep. Michelle Bachmann told reporters as she performed her public wash, reince and repeat of the party leader's denunciation of God. "It's always been party over God for me."
It's always been party over God for comic Bill Maher as well, who was more than willing to add his two sinse to the discussion.
"Perhaps I've been a little too judgmental of God," the comedian said between bong hits. "If he's not good enough for the right, maybe my religulous views deserve a second coming. After all, his son was purportedly the first hippie."
Speaking from his bully pulpit at Fox News Channel, former preacher and Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee continued raising hell with God.
"I've been thinking about denouncing my Christianity ever since my embarrassing ass-whipping in the primaries last winter," the fundamentally challenged former challenger belched. "As a former man of the sloth I should have at least been spared getting crucified until Good Friday, for God's sake."
For party has-been Christine O'Donnell, it was like coming home.
"I've never felt closer to the Republican Party than I have at this very moment," the dark mistress saidl. "This is definitely the place for witch I was meant to be. This party is holier than holy."
Nominee Mitt Romney danced the new tune like he'd been dancing around questions his whole life.
"Anything they say is OK with me," the architect of Bain Capital Punishment stated. "I'd teabag Stephen Colbert and Donald Trump at the same time if it would win me the erection on Tuesday."
Meanwhile the Republican covenant danced around the bonfire chanting, "God is mean, He's no good. Evict him from our neighborhood."
Ann Romney, intoxicated from the wine shared at the bonfire with fellow Republicans, flirted with Paul Ryan at the party.
"Mormon, shmormon," she slurred to Mitt's steaming pile of number two. "Wanna see my tits?"