Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: Mitt Romney

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

image for Romney Denies Promise Of 72 Virgins To Voters
"Hi!"

Like the Taliban promise of 72 virgins to suicide bombers, former Massachusetts Governor Willard Mitt Romney emphatically denied that he promised male voters 72 virgins if they would vote for his ticket. He also denied that he added a caveat to the promise: Only if he were to win the election. In other words, forget the virgins if he loses.

So get out there and recruit your friends to vote. Adding a second caveat: No additional virgins if voters recruit one or more friends. "My gosh, you can't be piggish."

Single women who voted for Romney were promised a burka, (like a binder). Married women who voted for Romney were promised a burka, (like a binder) plus a baby every year until menopause. Spoiler alert: The Republican platform frowns on Planned Parenthood, birth control and abortions. Premarital sex is also considered a no, no.

Denying the rumor of the 72 virgins, and swearing his oath on a set of golf clubs, (while silently speculating on the pros and cons of such a offer) Romney sent out his five sons: Bit, Kit, Pit, Sit and Zit, to vouch for their dad.

"Nah, no way, not dad, nada, never," the five harmonized.

When a cell phone video of his '72 virgin' offer was made public, Romney denied that it was he who stood with left hand resting on left hip while speaking before a group of $50,000 a plate dinners in a sound proof, windowless room that was swept for recording devises.

The media accepted his explanation.

The Taliban, however, didn't buy it. Learning that Romney was infringing on their copyrighted promise of '72 virgins' for suicide bombers, Taliban members exploded with meticulous rage and left the head of a camel in the former governor's bed.

Editor's note: Aren't you mixing terrorists metaphors?

Mafia, Taliban, horse, camel same thing. The Taliban isn't exactly a group interested in linguistics or morphology: Build bomb, boom, = 72 virgins.

Editor's note: Please proceed.

Finding the head of a camel lying in bed next to his cashmere covered hot water bottle, the former Governor immediately withdrew his offer of 72 virgins.

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