President Barack Obama (S-Kenya) was dealt a double dose of dismal news today that began when a superpack of angry locals in Swingset, Virginia, chased his advance ground crew out of town as they were preparing for a rally scheduled later that afternoon. His day got worse a few hours later when results from a Gallop Poll covering the horse race were released, leaving him saddled with an unstable support rating among living voters at 28% - a historic low for a sitting President. Republican challenger, Gov. Mitt Rmoney ($$$-Massive) polled 13%, prompting Fox News to call the race, "too close to call."
Hurricane Sandy, who was busy barnstorming the coastal states, is apparently on a collision course for a virtual landslide, winning 57% of projected voters and appears to still be gaining momentum at this moment.
According to unreliable sources speaking off the record but on the tape, prerecorded results of the Straw poll were eaten by the aforementioned horses that actually numbered only two, not fore, as mentioned two or four times earlier.
With just, as in justice for all, few precious days remaining in the endless Presidential cam-pain, accent on pain, Obama's perpetual advance staffers came out of the woodwork like a swarm of cockroaches in the swing-city of the swing-state of the commonwealth of Virginia, swinging hammers as they went about their tasks of constructing the rally site, a job they'd done a million times before factoring inflation. But this time the invaders were met by resistance from the locos who used the tried and true American method of repelling unwanted invaders - by unloading on them with a barrage of musket fire.
While Obama's crew was building the stage alone, by themselves, the town's Unwelcome Wagon was assembling in the woods, the people, not the wagon, a country-mile outside the rural confines of Swingset. Once the rebellious mob grew large enough to overwhelm the Obama crew, they charged the site, forcing workers to scurry as if kitchen spotlights were turned on.
"Once we got our muskets a-blazin' those danged revenooers got outta here quicker'n a coon at dinner time," local hick Clem Hillfoke boasted to a gaggle of reporters. "They ain't treadin' on my Secondary Amendment rights to run a still; not without a fight."
The Unwelcome Wagon organizer, James O'Beefe, notorious for colluding in the Trumped-up tower of deceit that took down the once-mighty but not righty recruiting oak known as Acorn, acted slick as a Fox when he quickly corrected his recruit's "misstatements."
"What we are really trying to accomplish here is to rid the town of endless campaigning and beset the President back home, I mean set a precedent that will protect our homes and spread like Monica or any other hideous liberal-borne disease," O'Beefe ribbed the crowd. "Since 2003 there has been an endless assault on this good republican town, I mean good town in our republic, and it's got to stop."
When reporters asked O'Beefe if he intended to embroil himself in a similar movement to ground, steer away or otherwise put a steak in any of Romney's scheduled campaign stops, the fowl O'Beefe showed his true feathers and chickened out.
"The Governor is running a very respectable campaign, not just in my opinion, but among all the people we've poll-axed, uh, asked in a poll," O'Beefe cowed. "We polled virtually all of the high-income, I mean high-rises on Pork Avenue in New York and we found that only 43% of residents found Mr. Romney a nuisance."
O'Beefe failed to mention the results in this blue-blood stronghold also revealed that 54% of its residents were on vacation in the Cayman Islands at the time of the poll. The remaining seven percent of undecided voters could not be reached. Nosy neighbors who like to pry into other's personal business suspect they were either hiding inside their bomb shelters to avoid the media blitzkrieg or were trapped in their car elevators.
When news of the disturbance in Swingset reached the President, he decided to re-route the caravan tour to East Bottleneck, Va., where as many as seven alleged undecided voters remain on the loose.
Meanwhile, Rev. Jesse Jackson, who arrived in town to stir up trouble and get his face back in the news, spoke out against the micro-focus interest campaigns are aiming at a small handful of voters residing in these pitiful, pivotal swing-states. He offered this cure for the problem:
"We need to balance the voter demographics in this country to attain a true democracy. And the best way to accomplish this is to bus a huge block of Democratic voters to Republican strongholds to balance the demographics, just like we did to school kids back in the 70s," the irreverent Jackson said. "My experts tell me if we move 15 million underprivileged brothers and sisters to a few selected Romneyvilles located on the other side of the tracks, we can indeed strike the proper balance to realize a true democracy in our lifetimes."
Jackson expects to pay for this program with federal rent subsidies to the relocated people whom he personally selected. Economists project the average subsidy needed to pull this ridiculous stunt off would cost approximately $5,500 a month per person, adding a projected $999 billion to the deficit anally, every year.
Despite their preponderance for thinking anally when it comes to budget matters, conservatives still reared their collective heads at the crazy idea of money being wasted on something other than the military industrial complex.
When Jackson countered their position by branding all opponents of his plan as racist, some of the more neurotic GOP members paid homage to their standard bearer with a lightning-quick, 180-degree reversal on the issue.
Many are edgy over the dwindling Black coalition in the party, now down 33% in membership following the defection of General Colin Powell again.
The other two publicly admitted Black Republicans, Herman Cain't and Conned-at-leesa Rice, hadn't been briefed about the party-approved excuse put forth by the GOP brain police and were summarily rescued from reporters by George WWW3 Bush's personal helicopter, Heir Forced Won.
The junior high senator from Massachusetts, the white Scott Brown (Rino-Iknow.) called for party leaders to develop a vision for everyone to follow blindly, "before we run out of Negroes again," he warned.
Other Republicans objected led by an apparently inebriated Rep. John Boner (R-Ohigher) whose garbled speech failed to deliver the message he eloquently expressed on the sign he carried which read, "Colon Bowel has no guts."