Presidential candidate Mitt Romney held a rare news conference this morning to answer questions about the conduct and statements of his surrogates regarding President Obama and the issue of rape. He took the podium and smiled his trademark smile, the one that looks like he just did something silent and nasty in a crowded elevator. No questions were allowed.
Romney: "First of all let me say I am proud, yes proud, of our campaign and its surrogates. Every one of them says the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag every morning and prays with their family every night. They respect the rights of everyone that lives in their neighborhood, each and every one has a Jew for a friend and as far as the rights of women are concerned, they are devoted to it with every boner in their bodies!"
A reporter from Politico raised his hand which was immediately cut off at the wrist by a Romney staffer.
Romney: "First of all I have the finest staff ever assembled in the history of presidential campaigns, our spokesman have nothing to be ashamed of. John Sununu is a saint only surpassed by St. Francis of Assisi himself, Richard Mourdock believes in God as no other man I know and Todd Akin is busting his balls to win the Senate seat of that Slut in Missouri. These men are Kind, Kinder, and Kindest of anyone three men I know. Most of their female opponents are street walkers.
A reporter who was shielded by three colleagues called out: "Governor: these three men you mentioned have made the most despicable and obscene comments in the history of presidential campaigns. Are you saying you support their kind of racial and gender based obscenities?"
Romney: "That's a good question. Check with me around the Thanksgiving weekend. I'll be visiting my money in the Bahamas."