Washington DC - According to Miss Adelle Bowersocks 1232C Upswine Gardens, Romney is not really drinking diet soda, as he appears to be. Miss Adelle was cleaning up after a $200,000.00 a plate dinner when she tasted what appeared to be left over diet soda, ostensibly sweetened with aspartame, the dangerous and controversial sweetener whose ill effects are suppressed by the establishment.
"I couldn't believe he would be drinking such a dangerous compound," Adelle commented. "I have several degrees in medical science and biochemistry. Of course, in today's economy I can only get cleaning jobs.
"How could the secret service allow him to endanger his life with aspartame? I thought to myself when I saw the half empty bottle. So I tasted it to see if it was really aspartame. The tip of my tongue did not tingle, and it had no bad nerve-jangling aftertaste. In fact it tasted like a great tasting cola.
"So I took it to my home lab and sure enough, it was just plain cola sweetened with cane sugar.. a virtual health drink. That explains how Romney is able to maintain such presence of mind, such consistent representations of his positions. His brain is NOT picked with aspartame."
Adelle had no comment when asked why the impression was lent by Romney that he was a diet soda drinker. Adelle can be reached in person at her flat. She has no phone.