SIOUX FALLS, SD (ABSNN) - Richard Nixon cheated to beat him out of the Presidency, but George McGovern made it to Heaven while Tricky Dickey remains a smoldering charcoal briquette in Hell. McGovern died yesterday at the age of 90. He remained, to the end, an unreconstructed liberal dove.
"The world will not see his like again, fortunately," said radio talk-mouth Rush Limbaugh.
"If it hadn't been for that liberal pussy from South Dakota, prematurely ending the war, I would have been able to prove my manhood in Vietnam," Limbaugh said on his Monday radio show.
Editorial comment by writer: Rush Limbaugh is a fat, adjudicated drug abuser, and a misogynist, whose only battles have been with good taste, his waistline, and his use of the English language. He did not serve in military combat, although he has orgasms--with viagra--everytime an opportunity to waste a US soldier comes around; he did not oppose the war in Vietnam; in fact, he did not even exist outside a small Missouri mud-flat on the banks of the Mississippi until, like the first amphibians, crawled out of the mud and infected the dry land with his vanity.
On the other hand, George McGovern was a brave man, a true American hero who fought in WWII. He was a hero of this writer's; unfortunately for me, not at the time this writer should have had the sense to know he was speaking the truth about Vietnam, but soon after this writer returned from that dirty little war.
TheSpoof.com's Religion Reporter, Fr. Francois Dubois, S.J. lit a candle for Senator McGovern at Mass Sunday morning, and prayed to be given God's permission to witness McGovern's entry through the Pearly Gates. That wish was granted.
Dubois was "flummoxed by what he witnessed."
"I got there and there was a huge line stretching way the hell back to Purgatory. When I got closer to the front of the line, I heard a great deal of angry shouting going on and recognized that the combatants were none other than St. Peter and the late Senator McGovern," said Dubois.
"Yeah, so the streets are paved with gold, so what. You saying you ain't coming in because of that," shouted Simon Peter.
"There are children starving on earth, and you angles are walking on gold. This fence, it's pearl isn't it? Do you know how many children could be educated with the money from just one gate," asked McGovern.
Just then, the Big Guy, God, poked His Holy head out of the City.
"What is the Sam hell is going on out here Peter," God asked.
"Senator McGovern is complaining about the accommodations costing too much," answered Peter.
"Tell him to come on in and I'll explain everything to his satisfaction," God replied.
"Oh hell, no I won't," said Peter. "You killed him and brought him up here; you get him to come in."