Freshmen U.S. Senator Marco Rubio has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile. The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which claimed, "Rubio slams Obama, Biden on economy."
The following is a direct transcription of the comment:
"Dear Senator Rubio,
Your speech in Nevada was absolutely ravishing. I loved watching you mercilessly slam Obama and Biden over and over. You gave the president a real mouthful. You just kept vigorously inserting knock after knock. I remember thinking to myself: how can Rubio possibly take these two guys at the same time? Is his endurance going to hold up? Is he going to get overwhelmed or tired and finish early? But no! You stayed strong throughout. You lubed up the crowd and really got them to go down on your side. They were screaming for more and more! And you gave it to them. And when you did finally finish, I couldn't help but burst at the rhetorical coup you just handed the Republicans. Then I fell asleep."
When asked to opine on the matter, Senator Rubio had the following to say:
"My Facebook profile? Really? You guys know I don't ever check that thing. I get over 100 comments a day."
Daniel Polanski, Rubio's part-time social media intern was not as lucky as his boss. He was recently admitted to Georgetown University for near fatal exposure to innuendo.
"The double entendre…" muttered Daniel when I visited in the hospital ward, "It was just…it was just…it just kept coming, you know? All over me. I couldn't take it all at the same time. It just penetrated so deep…into my soul. But I kept at it because I figured…if I took it out…of context…and went down fast…down the page…then it would end quickly, but it was just…it wouldn't stop coming! The puns…the insinuation…they just wouldn't stop!"
Daniel then lapsed into a coma.
The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, remains at large. When I confronted the chief FBI investigator concerning the slow pace of his investigation, he spilled his whiskey and soda down his bathrobe, let out a high pitched scream, asked me how the hell I'd gotten into his basement den, and promptly threw me out of his house.
If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Bobby D. Foster, immediately report him to the Internet Police.