NEVADA STATE PENETENTARY (ABSNN) - O. J. Simpson is offering to sell the knife that was used to slay his wife, Nicole, and her friend Ron Goldman, for the sum of $5 million. Guards at NSP immediately tossed his cell but found nothing other than a batch of "Green Goddamn," a prison-made alcoholic punch, and two O.J. NFL Rookie Cards. Simpson was then transferred to the prison infirmary where a full cavity search is still underway at the time of this writing.
"If he's got the knife hidden in his ass we'll find it. Of that you may be positive," said Captain Morgan, Chief Guard of NSP.
In a hand-written press release, Simpson claimed that he "got the murder weapon from the actual murderer" of Ms. Brown-Simpson and Mr. Goldman.
"I knew who the killer was and just where he hid the knife. I have it, and I need to sell it because my prison commissary bill is outrageously high."
"I'm a memorabilia freak and everybody knows it. I knew the knife was valuable and would come in handy some day if I needed cash in a hurry," the press release said.
"Hell, I'm in this prison because I can't stand to lose anything valuable," said Simpson in the note.
Simpson is serving 50 years to life for breaking into a memorabilia collector's Las Vegas hotel room to retrieve autographs and other O.J. sports cards that he claimed the man had stolen from him. And he used a handgun during the commission of the felony robbery which brings up to a life sentence if convicted-and, of course, a mostly white Nevada jury convicted him, unlike the mostly black California jury who acquitted him of the double homicide.
NOTE: According to Captain Morgan, "No knife was found up O. J.'s ass, but we did find Jimmy Hoffa's body. We've notified the FBI!"
We will keep you informed.