Written by John Langlois
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Thursday, 13 July 2006

image for Homeland Security Database Hacked by Nuns
Nuns Rate Elvis and Blue Bell as Best

Washington, DC - In a surprise admission of real stupidity Homeland Security Inspector General Dick B. Skinny admitted that the database of national monuments and other places subject to terrorist attack had been hacked by a group of nuns calling themselves "The Butt Sisters."

"Evidently, getting on our list is something of a status symbol," Skinny noted. We never meant for it to become so, but there is always that damn law of unintended consequences when the government gets involved."

He also went on to say, "Of course, after we included that petting zoo in Alabama, the Kangaroo outfit in Georgia and the world's largest tin foil ball in Dayton, Ohio, people began to think that the list reflected the shallow end of the gene pool. Not the monuments, but the people who work here.. ugh, you know what I mean, okay?"

The Butt Sisters, who said they called themselves that because good music makes their posteriors wriggle, were offended that the list did not include "Graceland, the former home of Elvis Presley, nor the New York home of Whoopie Goldberg, who once played a soulful nun.

Upon hacking into the database, whose password was and still seems to be "neo-con", the sisters added the places that they felt deserved to be there and then installed a program that rated the sites.

It was their rating system that really put things into an uproar. Evidently, the program considered 1700 Pennsylvania Ave and California to be expendable, but placed a rating of number 4 priority on "The Blue Bell Ice Cream Plant in Brenham, TX."

A spokesman for rival "Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream" said, "While we agree that no one would miss the White House or Arnold's Playground (California) we sincerely believe that our Raspberry Sorbet merits some recognition."

Libertarians immediately called for making the database an "Open Source Document". Doing so would allow the citizens of the country to rate the people, places and things they really value and would free the list from the day to day politics that make D.C. a cesspool.

"We already have the technology in place. We can just use the network setup by "American Idol" and tally the votes every week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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