LAS VEGAS, Nevada (ABSNN) - "As of January 1, 2013, if the Mayan calendar is wrong and the world does not end, casino gambling in the City of Las Vegas and Clark County will cease, forever. In its place, all hotels and casinos will be given over, as vast playgrounds, to right-wing, evangelical Christians."
"We'll call it Jesus Land!"
"We intend to hold Old-Time Holy Ghost, Church Camp Meetings, 24/7/365. From then on, we no longer will be known as Sin City. The world will know us as Saved from Sin City!" said former Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman.
Goodman presented his plan to his wife, Mayor Carolyn C. Goodman, the current Las Vegas Mayor.
Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn C. Goodman is unique among US mayors. She is the first spouse of an out-going mayor in the US to be elected to the office her husband held. She "knows Las Vegas is trembling on the brink of financial disaster." And she promised to keep ole Oscar on the city payroll. Ms. Goodman appointed her husband, the out-going mayor, Oscar Goodman, to the post of Chief Financial Officer for Life of Las Vegas. And no one cried foul, or nepotism, no not one.
Oscar Goodman, former attorney to mobbed-up casino owners, was limited to 12 years in office. He's been the chief cheerleader of Glitter Gulch, booking unprecedented numbers of tours and convention business. He filled hotels and brought in venture capitalists who built more and more, immense hotels on the Vegas Strip. But the housing market bubble burst and Clark County citizens lost their homes, shirts, limos and lifestyles.
Hotel and convention business shrank to pennies on the dollar of their former sky-high rates. The mob, and the Mormons, who own most of Las Vegas and Clark County, demanded action to save their collective asses.
Oscar was not flummoxed, not at all. He had a plan. And it is Pure, Unadulterated Oscar at its very best:
"We'll start with the Circus Circus Casino. It is shaped like a circus tent and so we'll hold a grand tent revival there. As more and more evangelicals flock to Las Vegas, we'll open more former casinos to house them. We'll keep the shows pretty much the same, except for the Chorus Girls who we'll finally clothe. They'll become God's Own Choir Girls," said Goodman.
"And we have actually found the Lost Tomb of Jesus, dismantled it and shipped it here for the Pilgrims."
"You see, what with all the Injuns running casinos, and every Podunk town on the Mississippi running casinos, our revenue share just went to shit. And the damned Christians have been after our asses for years trying to shut us down. We figured, what the hell, if you can't beat em, invite em. So we did."
"And the Mormons, well, the Mormons own this damned desert, always have. They absolutely love the idea of cashing in on a product they can actually buy themselves, without sneaking around. The whole thing is perfection, I tell you," Goodman concluded.
We will keep you informed.