PORTLAND, Maine (ABSNN) - An earthquake that registered 4.0 struck just west of Portland just before 8 p.m. this evening. The Illuminati has taken responsibility for the temblor and "vows to cause an even greater quake should Mitt Romney fail to be elected President of the United States."
"Our secret brotherhood sent the earthquake precisely one hour prior to the second debate between Elder Romney and Barack Obama," said a message received by thespoof.com at 11:01 p.m. EDT.
"Should President Obama be reelected come November, the Illuminati will destroy New England," the message ended.
Mitt Romney told reporters that he "was familiar with the Illuminati," but refused to acknowledge being a member of the "brotherhood."
"But I will say this," said Romney, "If I am not elected President, I will not be responsible for the havoc that will fall upon the US."
President Obama told reporters "I don't know if he is Illuminati but Romney is definitely a Shriner. I saw him driving a car in a clown suit back in 1981. He scared me silly then and then again during the first debate in Denver. But I kicked his Illuminati ass tonight."
"America has nothing to fear from the so-called Illuminati," he said.
Obama directed the Department of Homeland Security to "round up all the Illuminati and throw them in the slammer down in Gitmo."
Romney went into hiding "at least until the next debate, at which point, should I lose, a plague of locusts will descend upon Washington, DC and Obama's first born son will die."
We will keep you informed.