KENNEBUNK, Maine (ABSNN) - 129,277 men in this tony seaside town (all apparently Democrats) on the Maine coast have been named as "Johns" in the Zumba Prostitution scandal. Their names, but no other identifying data, were released by order of the judge presiding over the case. What makes this disclosure so shocking is that "there are only 129,288 men in the entire village and surrounding county," according to the 2010 US Census!
"This is obviously an Illuminati plot to keep Democrats from voting, and to blacken the names of the entire male population of Kennebunk. You will notice that all eleven of the unnamed men are Republicans," said John Fitz-Hives, Chairman of the Kennebunk Young Democrats.
"Fitz-Hives is on the list," said the prosecutor, Melanie Griffin, also a Republican.
"My husband is not on that list, so our family has nothing to fear from the disclosure of the men's names," said Babs Bush, wife of former US President George Herbert Walker Bush (definitely a Republican).
"Of course his name isn't on the list," said Mrs. Aggie Putter, 74, the Presiding Bishop of the Maine Seacoast League of Decency.
"He's Illuminati. They have ways of keeping secrets."