TOAD LICK BRANCH, Georgia (ABSNN) - The Atlanta office of the Federal Bureau of Investigations revealed today the results of a five-month-long probe into the star of TLC's Tots and Tiaras, Alana Thompson. FBI agents testified today before a federal grand jury that Thompson, AKA Honey Boo Boo is, in reality, a 37-year-old carnival side show act fornerly known as Short Shit Magee!
Both Thompson and her erstwhile Monster Mother, June Shannon, were arrested this morning on Federal Interstate Fraud warrants. They are being held at Atlanta-Fulton County Pre-trial Detention Center. Bond was set at $1 million dollars each.
Media mogul Ted Turner, who owns the building in which The Learning Channel is head quatered (as well as most of Atlanta and all of Montana), said he was "flummoxed, completely and utterly flummoxed by the FBI revelations."
"It's untrue," said a sobbing Thompson, or Honey Boo Boo, or Short Shit Magee whomever she is.
"I'm only 16," she claimed.
"I ain't her real momma, neither," said June Shannon.
"Ah bought her contract from a carny in Idaho. 'Sides that, I never swore to bein' the little freak's momma. An, TLC knew all about it from the git-go," she said.
TLC had no comment on the allegations and advised reporters to read the "fine print and disclaimers that run for 1/1000th of a second's time on the closing credits."
However, in an internal memo obtained by theSpoof.com, TLC producers wrote:
"If the asswipes who watch this show believe it is reality based, they deserve the shit we give them."
And this reporter agrees!