In a stunning move on the eve of tonight's second Presidential debate, scheduled to be held at Hofstra University in New York, President Barack Obama cancelled his appearance and announced he is withdrawing from the November 6th election, conceding the race to Gov. Mitt Romney.
Sparking memories of a gathering in the Rose Garden from August 8, 1974, the President-eject spoke to the hushed crowd of reporters to offer his reasons for the surprising decision.
"After my, uh, titanic performance in the uh, first debate, we, I mean, I've decided it best for the country that I jump ship and resign the presidency, before I sink the whole damn party," Obama told the crowd as he lowered his head to half mast, a move he mastered at the University of Denver. "To save the country from enduring any more of my glacier-paced economic recoveries, I've decided to hand the corporate strings over to Gov. Romney."
As onlookers gasped, the President spoke of how he struggled with this decision almost as mightily as he battled to remain relevant in last week's debate pitting Mitt vs. Romney in Colorado. He noted how his entire term has been a struggle from the time he took office with the economy teetering on the brink of collapse, to the very end, when his path to the podium was obstructed by Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio.), Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Va.) and Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.).
"I've come to realize in the past few days that no matter how we rearrange the deck chairs in the House or the Senate next month, I will never be able to get a majority of Congress to agree with me on anything. I've polled them and they concur with me overwhelmingly," Obama (S-Canya?) admitted while perched atop the Rose Garden fence. "Perhaps I'm just not the right guy for the job after all. Everyone says Gov. Romney is much more right than I am, despite the governor's reluctance to take a position on anything except programs aimed at growing the deficit and ending food stamps," he said, citing Romney's vow to eliminate poverty by starving the beasts - which many believe refers to the 47% who hoard their nickels and refuse to pay federal income tax.
"I want to say one more thing before I slither off the political landscape," Obama (Y-not?) continued. "Fox News has been extremely right all along, in fact they are as far right as anybody has been about my performance as commander-in-chief - I'm a terrible president and I can't imagine why anyone would vote for me. So as of noon tomorrow, I will resign the presidency. Concurrently, Vice President Biden (D'Oh!!) will resign his position as well, allowing Gov. Romney's Koch-sponsored running mutt Paul Ryan to assume the number two hole."
Then suddenly, from deep in the shadows that surround the 41 or 43 Rose Garden bushes, a murky figure emerged, growing nearly eight feet tall as it cast an ominous shadow over the proceedings. Its features and positions were vague and ever-changing, appearing to be half human, half vulture with half-wit, half-lit shimmering eyes shooting lasers like Rea-guns, trickling down over the horrified crowd of peasants.
"Soon the treasure will be mine, my precious," the strangely dressaged creature croaked in a horse whisper. "I will conduct the greatest leverage buyout of all time - the United States of America! What a Capital idea! Bwahahaha! I will make a mittfull!! And all the money will be mine!! Your money is my money is R-money!! And I am Mitt Rmoney, the last President of the USA! Down with Main Street and up with Bain Street! I am the King of Bain Street!"
Whoever said the pain of Bain lies plainly on the Main Street, was probably the first.
And with that the man-vulture took flight, leaving plumes of dark smoke and dust in his wake and Obama's, reminiscent of a clean coal fantasy while it burned the American flag and melted the Presidential seal right off the podium, as his nag Ann, Rand behind him, several furlongs away.
Or was it several furcoats?
As the vulture disappeared a secondary, plain-janesville kind of figure leapt from the shadows, appearing like a frightened little boy, an addled-son to the many he left holding the teabag as he scampered away crying, "Sheldon, save me! Shelllll-donnnnn!"
But there was no shell to hide under, so he remained aimlessly mobil - hoping to find Karl's Rover and his GPS to point him in the far right direction they have been steering him toward his entire career.
After the press contingent collected itself, they began to question the President one last time, led by Chris Matthews from MSNBC, aka, the "left-handed Fox."
"Is Michelle going with you on your soliloquy, or will she stay behind and possibly date other men?" the host of "Hardballs" slobbered.
"Well, at the risk of sounding impolite, and I, um, want to apologize in advance if I left that impression, I want to remind you that I, uh, only have, uh, decided at this time to, uh, resign my job as pretender in chief, not, um, resign my post as Mrs. Obama's husband. Unless she chooses to abort our marriage, in witch case, since I support a woman's freedom to make that choice, I'll sign an executive order for her wishes to be executed promptly. Did I say that right?"
"Are you retiring from politics?" another scribe queried.
"I shall return," the ex-President croaked, as he puffed his corncob pipe for General effect. "I know I can be a better president so I've decided to go home, back to Kenya, double down on my socialism studies, and return a better leader for it. You can marx my words."
Unfortunately for Fox News, lacking credible journalists on their staff did them in - they were unable to report on Obama's multiple faux (news) pas that would have fueled their witch hunt for another 20 years.
In other news, the Dow Jones nudged slightly lower, losing 6500 points following the press conference, causing hundreds of bulls to leap from skyscrapers on Wall Street. Close to where the bulls-hit Donald Trump was (ob)scene searching for distressed property to buy with corporate welfare benefits reserved only for those well-connected to the nation's cache of cash, clutched in the claws of rows of CEOs, standing guard over their vaults where the receipts to the auctioned democracy remain safely buried.
"Ah, to be wealthy and white in America without a hair in the world," Trump chirped as he combed the financial district for wigged out property owners.