In the face of criticism from the United Nations regarding the ongoing United States drone program in Pakistan, President Obama held a video press conference to reassure the Pakistani people, many of whom are reportedly too terrified to go about their regular daily lives, fearing that an American drone will strike their place of worship, home, school, or vehicle.
"We're not going after people willy nilly," Obama assured the Pakistani crowd. "It's actually been much more willy. So you all can relax and know that America has your back. If you don't have a target on your back, that is."
With a tinge of disappointment, Obama added, "Honestly, Pakistan has been falling short of its history as a strong, courageous nation. Yes, Pakistan is in grave danger - danger of turning into a nation of whiners. For that reason, I'd strongly urge the Pakistani people to stop droning on about drones, and, to be blunt, get a life."
In a rare show of support for President Obama, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney agreed that the complaints from self-styled Pakistani martyrs need to stop.
Stated Romney, "At least forty-seven or forty-eight percent of Pakistani people, possibly even up to a hundred percent, consider themselves victims who are dependent on the U.S. government not to take their lives. I'm not concerned with those people. Being people of color, they'd almost certainly vote for Obama, no matter what."
The accuracy of Romney's statement is questionable, as a joint study by Stanford Law School and New York University Law School found that seventy-five percent of Pakistanis now consider the United States their "enemy," and would presumably never vote for Obama, even if they could. The study further found that only two percent of those killed by drones have been top military leaders, and between four hundred and eight hundred Pakistani civilians have died in drone attacks.
Nevertheless, President Obama stood behind the drone program, discounting the many legal scholars and attorneys who claim that the program violates established international law as well as American constitutional law. Obama told his video audience that the legal basis for the drone program was "so clear" that there was no need to explain it and at the same time "so complex" that Pakistanis and even United Nations officials couldn't possibly understand it.
Even so, said the President, he was willing to "give it a shot."
One complex legal principle that Obama struggled to convey to the crowd of ignorant savages was that under his administration's definition, all adult males killed in drone strikes are considered "combatants." In other words, Obama explained, even if an innocent civilian is killed in a drone strike, if that person is an adult male, after his death, he'll be termed a "combatant."
"Applying this definition," continued Obama, "these drone strikes have been extremely precise, accurate strikes against active terrorists who may admittedly have started off as civilians, but who regrettably morphed posthumously into terrorists who posed an imminent threat to our national security."
By all indications, however, Obama's astute legal analysis (predictably?) went over the turbaned heads of his Pakistani viewers. And so the President moved on to simpler matters, pointing out an oft-overlooked benefit of the drone strikes: keeping Pakistani families together.
"If fear of drones keeps your teenagers off the streets, and prevents husbands from straying from their wives because they're afraid to leave their homes at night, so much the better!"
At the close of the discussion, one Pakistani reporter remarked that had President Obama sincerely sought to reassure Pakistanis, an in-person appearance would have been more effective than a remote videoconference.
"I wholeheartedly agree," the President responded empathetically. "But unfortunately, I'm responsible for the safety of nations, and I just couldn't take the chance of being hit by a stray drone."