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Tuesday, 9 October 2012

image for British tourist arrested for theft of penis pump from Dallas sex shop
It looked like a sliced cucumber docs at Parkland said of UK tourist's penis following removal of stolen pump.

DALLAS, TEXAS (ABSNN) - The masked, knife wielding robber who stole $500 in cash and a $150 penis pump from a Dallas adult video store today was apprehended only four hours later at Parkland Memorial Hospital according to the DPD.

"We got a phone call from the ER at Parkland just over an hour ago," said Sgt. Matt Dillon of the DPD.

"They informed us that they were treating a man who had a defective penis pump stuck to his 'junk.' The guy claimed he stole the appliance from a local adult video store. I went there and arrested the suspect, one Martin Shuttlecock, a British tourist."

Shuttlecock, age 57, underwent treatment "for a lacerated weenie," according to the police report. His wounds required 17 sutures.

"Well, we're really sorry his pecker got cut, but it was unavoidable," said Parkland ER physician, Marcus Wellby, M.D.

"He had the pump so highly inflated that we couldn't release the vacuum and were forced to smash it with a five pound sledge hammer. His thingy got cut in the process," he said.

Shuttlecock was booked into the Hospital Unit at the Dallas Area Pre-trial Detention Center. Bond was set at $25000: $20000 for one count of armed robbery, and $5000 for one count of gross stupidity.

Shuttlecock asked for an attorney to be appointed to represent him. He also asked to be considered for political asylum so that he may remain in the US.

"Me old woman will kill me if I go back to England," he told the judge.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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