Hearing the news that MSNBC's Chris Mathews and Current-TV's Elliot Spitzer would moderate the next two presidential debates, Mitt Romney keeled over in faint. Revived with a dose of smelling salts, he announced that he just had a bad dream.
Rinse Cycle, head of the Republican Party, assured Romney that it wasn't a bad dream: Bad yes, dream no.
"Give me a break," the nominee was heard to scream from the street below, "I was expecting another King Tut moderator like the last time."
He was told that Santa Claus came only once a year and Santa had already visited in the last debate.
It's rumored he replied: Holy Moses, Chris Mathews? That's like putting me in front of a firing squad. He's going to zero in on the 47% that I said could go to hell, voter suppression, not paying the squealing coal miners I used for a commercial. Miners should have announced it was marvelous working upscale for a change. And there's that other little weasel from Current-TV who'll cross-examine me about the offshore bank accounts, sending jobs to China, $100 million IRA, tax fraud. He's called the sheriff of Wall Street.
Rinse Cycle interrupted the former Governor, insisting that he would do just great, telling him to get out of his fetal position and to 'man up'. Just channel Barak Obama and he'd throw him into a spin. Say your father was born in Kenya, you were born in Hawaii, and you're for the 100%, student loans, Obamacare, teachers, firemen, god and puppies. Forget the puppies.
Adding, now don't say anything stupid again about rolling down windows in airplanes, tree heights, clouds, cookies from Seven-Eleven, cheap raincoats, rich friends, your sons are liars, England sucks, Russia is our greatest threat, or start singing 'God Bless America'. I got a call back from Whirlpool and I'm taking the job. Here's my resignation.
"You're bailing out like Pawlenty?"
"I rolled down the window. Geronimo."
"I can't do it alone."
Mrs. Romney said, "Stop it. It's hard. You want to try it? Get into the ring. It's hard. Stop it."