Washington DC - In a shocking revelation, our coverage of the 2012 Presidential Campaign has unearthed sources who claim that the Republican Party is controlled by Vampires, with the Democrats run by Super Zombies.
Although yet to be confirmed, if true, our sources explain that two factions within the forces of evil are battling for control of humanity. What's more, President Obama himself is a Super Zombie, while Count Romney is the leader of a super powerful family of vampires that traces their lineage back to the Dark Lord Richard Nixon.
According to one source, the reason for President Obama's poor showing in the first debate is due to "low zombie bio-rhythms, mainly, but also combined with Count Romney's incredible Vampire mind-control power" said Madam X.
"People like the President, who have infected themselves with the zombie super virus, have incredible powers, but the powers wax and wane a bit-unfortunately for the president, his powers were off a little the night of the debate."
The presidents' poor performance was not however, solely attributed to that, as Madam X explained further.
"If you go back and re-watch the debate, notice during the times when President Obama seems particularly confused, drugged, lost, or starts speaking strangely, uncomfortably slowly--that is when Count Romney is focusing on him, smiling, but all the while beaming his evil vampire mind control at Obama. A normal human would have dropped dead from an aneurism; it's amazing that Obama was able to continue at all. "
We asked for more background information. Madam X introduced us to Mr. Wolf, who elaborated.
"The Rathskellers were the original vampires. That family, along with certain others, the Astors, DuPonts, the Saudi Royal family of course, along with certain key individuals, and the ahh, Li family from China… they control oil, natural resources and manufacturing. They believe that the masses should be left to live in ignorance, while the vampires ruthlessly compete amongst themselves for supremacy and hunt the public for their blood.
The super-zombies, that's the Rothschild's, Kennedy's, etc, and their minions, for example George Soros, they control banking and finance and the media. The super virus is reserved for the elite; they give the public the standard zombie virus. Most of the government workers have been infected, postal workers, media employees, most teachers certainly. The vampires don't like the taste of zombie blood and that's what Count Romney was complaining about, as it seems the Democrats have successfully infected about 47% of the general population with the standard zombie virus."
We had so many questions. Is there nobody fighting for the forces of good, nobody not aligned with either the Vampires or the Zombies? Will the Vampires wrest control from the Super Zombies and the massive hoard they control? Will the public be allowed to live quite lives of fearful desperation, waiting for the evil lottery, and losing by feeling the sharp hot pain of the fangs in the neck? Or will we all be forced to join the zombie collective; all equal-equally deranged and depraved-- no more fear or emotion of any kind, just the instinctive drive of the hoard?
Before we could get answers, Madam X rushed in and whispered in Mr. Wolf's ear. They ran out the back door just as a group of big DC policeman lumbered in, the leader had his hat tilted to the side; he had the pasty skin and dead eyes of a zombie. He confiscated my recorder and all my notes, so I have no further documentation. If you don't believe me in this story go ahead and research it yourself. Just find that DC cop, the one who arrested me and booked me for trespassing in a public place, and look into those dead eyes…then tell me he's not a real zombie…