SEATTLE, WASHINGTON (ABSNN) - Seattle police confirmed today "the brutal and senseless killings of 219 companion animals" in the past two weeks. The killings were committed by 'Cougars,' but not of the feline, four-legged variety."
Kings County Sheriff's Spokesperson Sgt. Johanna Peta laid the blame squarely on "middle-aged women who prefer to date only younger men."
"As an older woman myself, I can sympathize with my sisters who cannot find suitable, virile men closer to their own ages-and so, date younger guys," Peta said.
"But I am flummoxed, completely flummoxed, that these women would take out their romantic frustrations on the innocent pets in the Seattle area. This must stop, and stop now," she said.
Coincidentally, during the Sheriff's press conference, the Seattle Police Department Hostage Negotiating Team was in phone contact with a gang of three "Cougars" who had taken hostage dozens of parakeets during the siege of a Seattle pet store.
"The women are desperate. They did allow the puppies and reptiles to go free; but they have 'promised to kill one tweety-bird every hour' until we deliver the entire high school boy's volleyball team to the store," said a SPD spokesperson.
"Seattle S.W.A.T. is on site," the spokesperson told thespoof.com.
As this situation is fluid, we will update our on-line readers with any developments.