Written by Kevin Nelson
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Saturday, 6 October 2012

image for Fox News Reports Muppet Related Crime at All Time High, Romney Vows War on Vowels

It's the opinion of many reputable contributors at Fox News that Muppet related crime is spilling over unto our our streets and something must be done to curb this disturbing trend. Gov. Romney is meeting this challenge contrary to the wishes of many in the liberal media who believe teaching poor and minority children is some how a good idea.

Fox News Studies which have been both scrutinized and studied vigorously by both the Beck Institute of Government Studies and the Limbaugh Foundation for Freedom and Democracy have both concluded that teaching the children of the under class to read and write creates a series of false expectations and a desire for empirical and scientific knowledge which are both contrary to faith based dogma and conservative ideologies. Teaching the poor and minority children to read will only result in them seeking employment outside of their status and their economic class which may result in equity among the classes and cultural and racial harmony. Such a phenomenon would erode the foundations of conservative doctrine and dogma and lead to a society devoid of racial and class bias.

Some of the problems which have been identified with Sesame Street is "sharing" which is a subtle way of teaching socialist doctrines, "counting" is another dubious practice because it casts doubt on both Reaganomics as well as Ryanomics, the numbers don't have to add up, they just have to hide loop holes for the affluent. Inter-species dating as such between Mr. Kermit T. Frog and Miss. Piggy as well as the suspicious relationship of Bert and Ernie are also called into question as to the legitimacy of these relationships and whether or not they are truly wholesome. Conservative mothers throughout our country have reported that cookies have been found missing from their cookie jars and they often report that this activity may be inspired by Mr. Cookie Monster, many mothers worry that this cookie thievery may lead to more nefarious activities. The report also casts concerns of certain Muppets of questionable character such the seemingly psychopathic Animal, the tickle addicted Elmo as well as Mr. Oscar T. Grouch who doesn't appear to be gainfully employed in any real capacity and who lives in a garbage can, his behavior idolizes homelessness and decries our American work ethic.

Gov. Romney has recognized that our greatest threat to our country is not tax cuts to the affluent or ignoring our addiction to petroleum but the socialistic ideal that everyone regardless of status deserves to have access to quality education based on humanistic values which promote a sound scientific ideals and promote tolerance of all. This type of thinking is a death-blow to the values that true conservatism truly stand for, which is, you're on your own and to know your place and stay there. Thank goodness for Gov. Romney's war on vowels, we can all sleep better knowing that the War on Affluence has someone who will fight against it and all of its shadowy minions.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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