BILLINGSGATE POST - Augusta National Golf Club, home of the Masters Tournament, announced today that they would admit President Barack Hussein Obama into their hallowed club, making him the first black Muslim allowed to travel down Magnolia Lane and tee it up with billionaire luminaries, such as Bill Gates and Warren Buffet.
Putting aside rumors that his dismal, half-hearted debate showing against Mitt Romney was caused by altitude sickness, sheer laziness, anniversary regrets or whatever, BILLINGSGATE POST crack investigative reporter, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler uncovered the real reason for President Obama's pathetic showing in Wednesday's debate; Obama was offered a membership in Augusta National if he would throw the election.
Much mention has been made of Barack Obama's addiction to this wonderful game. Conservative pundits have pointed out that he even skips daily National Security briefings in order to get his golf games in. When he first heard that his Libyan ambassador and three others had been assassinated, he was on the 17th tee of Congressional Country Club. He was so pissed off at Leon Panetta for interrupting him in his backswing that he threatened to fire him on the spot.
Augusta National, which opened in 1932 and did not have a black member until 1990, is believed to have about 300 members. Although the club had no female members until just recently, when the club admitted Condoleeza Rice and Daria Moore, Barack Obama will have the honor of not only being the first black Muslim male to be admitted, he will also be the first card carrying communist to wear the green jacket.
When questioned about this story, Press Secretary Jay Carney read from a prepared script:
"I have visited Augusta National on several occasions and look forward to playing golf, renewing friendships and forming new ones through this special opportunity. I have long admired the important role Augusta National has played in the traditions of golf and look forward to teeing it up with Tiger Woods, Condoleeza Rice and others of my race. Although I know that many members of the Democratic Party will think that I sold them out, this is an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. Thank you for believing in me."
NOTE: Because of the absolute secrecy surrounding this disclosure, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler, who uncovered this story, has gone into hiding.