Written by Crass Clown
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Thursday, 4 October 2012

In the first of three presidential debates, Romney explicitly said that he supports cutting funding for PBS and Sesame Street. Fans of public television were particularly angered that he singled out Big Bird. "I'm a huge fan of Big Bird," said Romney, "But I suspect that he still tastes like chicken!"

Romney's ambivalent but cruel comments have certainly ruffled some feathers.

In response, Big Bird held a last minute press conference today in Washington DC. Flanked by Oscar the Grouch and Mr. Snuffleupagus, Big Bird faced the the microphone with an intimidating scowl.

Big Bird explained that Romney's comments reveal that he is not only out of touch and anti-education, but also anti-bird. At one point Big Bird threatened Romney directly: "Romney, the bird community heard you loud and clear, and believe you me, by tomorrow morning, every car you own across fifty states and seven continents is going to be covered in a brittle layer of creamy white and black bird shit."

Other birds we talked to indicated that Romney's insistence that he still liked Big Bird only made the comment worse. A group of magpies near the Lincoln Memorial expressed their suspicion in unison, "If he actually likes Big Bird, we can only imagine how he will treat the rest of us. Squawk! Squawk!"

We contacted Mitt Romney to get his response to the press conference, and he insisted that Big Bird just costs too much for the American tax payer. Romney explained, "Big Bird's just not worth borrowing money from China! I mean, if you wanted a bucket of chicken but you were out of money and had to borrow $10,000 from you neighbor to get it, would you do it? I don't think so. Honestly, fried chicken isn't all that great."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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