ORLANDO FL (ABSNN) - Only days before the first scheduled Presidential debate, Mitt Romney stunned the nation this morning when he admitted that he was "a paid employee of the Democratic National Committee."
"It is true; I am a shill for the Obama Campaign. I had no intention of winning the presidency. I'm just in it for the money. I need the money because Ann's face-lifts are so expensive," Romney said to a hushed overflow crowd packed into the Tupperware Auditorium just outside Orlando.
"Joe Biden came to me two days after President Obama was inaugurated in March 2009. He told me that the DNC would pay me $100,000,000 if I could win the 2012 Republican nomination for President," Romney stated.
"The day after I was formally nominated by the Republican Party, the check from the DNC cleared my Salt Lake City bank. Now I'm out of here!"
Nothing else Romney said could be clearly heard due to the shouts and cat-calls that filled the auditorium. In the ensuing rioting, Romney was hustled from the arena by his Secret Service detail and several members of the Orange County (FL) sheriff's office. Several persons were injured in the fracas.
Romney remains incognito at this time.
President Obama released this statement through his White House Press Office at noon today, Washington time:
"While it is true that the Democratic National Committee paid Governor Romney $100,000,000 to secure the Republican nomination, there is absolutely no law prohibiting our doing so. Governor Romney was paid to win the nomination, but not to win the election. He was well compensated for making bizarre statements about subjects that he knows absolutely nothing at all about, thus assuring I will remain in office to fulfill my Presidential legacy."
The Republican National Committee released this statement:
"What in the fuck is going on here? Can they do that?"
"It's a done-deal. At this point it's a moot point; if you get my point," Vice President Biden told reporters, in no uncertain (?) terms.