In a frenzy to find the body of Jimmy Hoffa, Americans have made a run on hardware stores stripping them clean of shovels, picks and jackhammers, as well as Christmas lights which had just gone on sale as of yesterday. The frenzy swept the nation after a team of criminologists failed to find Hoffa's body at Patricia Szpunar's brick ranch-style home in Roseville, Michigan. Apparently the criminologists were following the advice of a group of unemployed weathermen who predicted that there was a 90 percent chance of Hoffa's body being buried underneath Szpunar's driveway.
The digging was not done in vain due to strange happenstance that had the group of unemployed weathermen getting struck and killed by lightning at the dig on a cloudless day. The dug out ground was used as a mass grave for the group of dead weathermen as everyone pretty much predicted that there was a 100 percent chance of wasting their time doing otherwise.
People across America have been digging up everything in sight in an attempt to recover the long lost body of Jimmy Hoffa and finally bury the slew of lousy Jimmy Hoffa jokes that continue to circulate across the spectrum of late night talk shows.
While the digging did not uncover Hoffa, it did generate excitement amongst archeologists who believed one group had uncovered a lost underground civilization beneath Kansas City. Unfortunately, it was just Hell, and to make matters worse, one of the diggers broke the devil's Bullwinkle bobblehead doll. Considering how many shysters there are deep down in the hole, you just know all the dirt diggers are going to have Hell to pay.
Somewhere along the line, the state of Illinois got completely dug out leaving just a huge crater in its place which Congress is considering filling with water and naming it Lake Illinois. Strangely enough, no one can seem to find any cities or towns in the now mountainous neighboring states of Indiana, Iowa and Missouri, although everyone is sure it must have something to do with Google Maps.
One thing that was dug up was Tiger Woods former self, but when they asked Tiger if he wanted it back, he said no because his old putter got him into too much trouble. So they reburied it.