WYOMISSING PA (ABSNN) - Did Kate (plus 8) Gosselin hit her children with wooden spoons? Did she twirl them around by the hair? Did she bitch-slap them in their little beds?
"Yes, and more than that," says author Robert Hoffman in his just released book: Kate Gosselin: How she fooled the world.
"Who is this guy and how dare he say these things about me?" asked the angry, former reality TV star.
"I'm the guy that wrote this book," said Hoffman.
Gosselin claims "all this nonsense came about when I was getting divorced from BOZO and had a few melt-downs. I burned BOZO's clothes on the front lawn (but that was for TV). I did throw two cats through closed doors, and I did shoot a cow (but all that was posed stuff for People Magazine). I bit the head off a couple chickens (I was hungry). And I think I remember poisoning a dog. Nothing odd given what I was going through," she said.
"But I never hit one of my kids with a wooden spoon."
According to Hoffman's book, Kate not only beat her kids with wooden spoons, she also knee-capped her ex-husband (whose name no one can remember anymore). Hoffman couldn't find any reference that the man ever lived.
"Berks County, Pennsylvania Child Welfare case workers have no record of any child abuse being alleged against Ms. gosselin, outside of Mr. Hoffman's book," said a district attorney familiar with Gosselin.
"I gotta tell you, though, she is one scary bitch. I can't say she hit her kids, but I have heard her screaming all the way across town, while I was in my house."
I'll review it and get back to y'all," he promised.
"Gosselin will sue Hoffman for libel (what a shocker!)," said Gloria Allred, the Mouthpiece to the Stars.
Nadya Suleman, AKA Octomom, told Entertainment Tonight, "I knew the bitch was bogus! I have never laid a finger on one of my kids. My mother handles feeding and all that shit."
"Wyomissing is a tiny town, but very famous," Hoffman's book begins.
"It is the home of both Taylor Swift and Kate Gosselin, who were neighbors," he writes.
"Taylor Swift has known me all of her life. She baby sat my older kids when she was a kid. Ask her if I ever beat my kids,"
"I'm not getting involved in this," Swift said through a spokesperson.
"She gave me a black eye with a fire-poker for making out on her couch with my boyfriend," Swift said.
We will keep you informed.