SPRINGTOWN, TX (ABSNN) - John Wannabeter is a well-respected, "no nonsense" high school Vice Principal at SHS. He is known as a fair administrator, but a hard-ass by his students. Last week an 18-year-old female student was caught cheating and suspended from school for two days. She is known as a soft-ass. When she chose a spanking instead of a two-day suspension, the soft-ass met the hard-ass and all hell broke out in this tiny Texas town.
The student, Melissa Cheat, is a bright girl (maybe too damned bright). She was caught cheating. Actually, she wasn't cheating but allowed another student to copy off her Biology test. So she was cheating?
To make a long story shorter by many paragraphs, Melissa was suspended for two days. That meant Melissa would miss her Homecoming Dance. Melissa didn't want to miss the dance. She chose, instead, to be paddled. Her mother, Ima Twit-Cheat, agreed to the spanking.
"But it was my impression that the school only allowed a teacher of the same sex as the student to administer the corporal punishment," said Mrs. Twit-Cheat.
"Her impression was wrong," said Vice Principal Wannabeter.
And so, Melissa's cheeks got stroked by John's hand (or hands).
The spanking was filmed and later, a bootleg copy of the spanking got posted to YouTube.
That didn't go over too well with either the daughter or her mother.
"It is school policy that all spankings be video recorded," said School Board Chairman Al Bundy.
The grainy, poorly lit video shows Melissa, dressed in a short, plaid schoolgirl skirt, bending over, grabbing her ankles, while Mr. Wannabeter strikes her buttocks three times with a ping pong paddle.
So far, so good.
"It was when he began to rub my butt after the spanking that I began to suspect his motives," said the angry teen.
"I was just trying to make it better, that's all," said Wannabeter.
"Then he called in four other male teachers, plus the janitor, and had them look at her butt," said Mrs. Twit-Cheat.
"I needed witnesses," Wannabeter explained.
According to the YouTube comments page, there are approximately 2,498,917 witnesses (today's count).
The police declined to press charges.
"Me, Fred, George, Jose and Tex watched the video 236 times. Didn't see as he done nuthin wrong," said Springtown Police Chief D-Wayne Hargrove.
"Law clearly says the Vice Principal does the whuppin. Case closed," Hargrove said.
"She consented to the spanking. I spanked her cheatin ass," Wannabeter said.
"Considering this is Texas we'retalking about, she's just lucky he didn't execute her," her mother said, on the Oprah show. She had her daughter drop her slacks on live television and show her bruised behind to a few more million folks.
"On the bright side, I have several after-graduation job offers," Melissa told Oprah.
"She's over 18; we're offering her $100,000 to star in our new movie 'The Spankurbater,'" said adult film mogul Jimmy Swaggart from his New Orleans motel room.
"Make that $250,000 and you got yourself a deal," said Melissa's mother, and now talent agent.
"Only if you can get the teacher and the janitor to sign on," said Swaggart.
We will keep you informed.