CONVENT OF THE QUEER, WV (ABSNN) - The face of Republican Presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, "miraculously appeared" on a urinal mint, in the toilet of the Monk's Quarters, in this small Jesuit Convent tucked away in the foothills of west-central West Virginia.
"The news of this discovery remained a secret for two months. The Vatican sent the Pope's own Devil's Advocate, Fr. Francois Dubois, S.J., to complete a full, scientific investigation into the matter," said Bishop James Pike who announced the news this afternoon.
"We're flummoxed, completely and utterly flummoxed," said Bishop Pike.
"Apparently, novice Brother Martin Shuttlecock was cleaning the urinals and changing the odor eaters, when he noticed the unmistakable face of Governor Romney in the urinal mint he had just placed in the third urinal from the left," said Dubois.
"The lad broke his vow of silence when he screamed," stated Sister Mary-Margaret-Thatcher, a Benedictine char-woman.
"We all ran into the Monk's Privy expecting to see that Shuttlecock had died. But he was just standing there, pointing at the urinal, screaming his bloody head off," she said.
"I thought it was probably another rattle-snake that got in through the hole in the wall. That happens up in these hills," said Msr. Declan Phineas, S.J.
"A group of us went to the novice and asked him what was wrong. All Shuttlecock could say was, 'Romney, it's Romney.'"
Mitt Romney was not, himself, in the urinal. Mitt Romney's face was on the urinal mint in the urinal, according to the assembled witnesses.
"It looks just like him, poofy hair, hooded eyes, thin lips set in a smirk. It's him," said one Jesuit.
The Vatican agreed.
"I certify that a true miracle has occurred," intoned Bishop Pike during vespers.
"This is proof enough for us that the Lord wants Mitt Romney to become President!"
"Dominus, Dominus, Romnius... Dominus, Dominus, Romnius," chanted the Gregorians.
The urinal mint has been placed in a solid gold reliquary and is on display (under 24-hour guard, of course) in the Jesuit Romney Chapel.
"It used to be called the Jesuit Pope John Paul I Chapel, but we had to change the name. The power of Christ compelled us to," said Novice Shuttlecock.
President Obama, fresh from a victorious speech given Tuesday before the United Nations, said he too "is flummoxed by the news."
"I don't want to pooh-pooh on anyone's religious beliefs," he said Wednesday morning.
"But let's get real here. From the photographs of the pisser mint the National Security Council showed me this morning, it looks more like Dick Cheney."
"I don't believe God is telling us anything about Mitt except his ideas should be pissed upon, at the very least," the President stated.
"Or maybe his face. It is all the same to me."