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Monday, 24 September 2012

image for Man breaks penis during Love Seat sex bust
Court room artist's rendering of Streetor, the accused couch fucker.

WAUKESHA, WI (ABSNN) - As if living in Wisconsin wasn't bad enough, Waukesha residents were "treated" to a 46-year-old man having intercourse with a couch, or to be exact, an abondoned love seat.

Jerrard T. Streetor, of 2387 Cold Stream Place, Waukesha, was arrested by an off-duty female cop, for "screwing an underage piece of furniture," a third degree felony in Wisconsin (the love seat was under the age of consent [12]).

The arrest documentation accuses Streetor of "attempting to penetrate sofa cushions with his 'man-thing,'" wrote the police officer, Fresnelda Marcos.

Officer Marcos, our readers may remember, arrested 947 men while posing nekkid, as a street walker in dowtown Waukesha, two months ago. The charges were thrown out of court "on a technicality."

Marcos claimes she "was unaware that it was illegal for me to give men money for having sex with me. I thought that was my job," she told the judge.

This time, apparently, Marcos has several witnesses to Streetor's abnormal sex acts upon the furniture.

Mabel Brautworst, 87, also of Cold Stream Place, was the first to call 911. She told the call screener:

"There's a man, my next door neighbor, laying down on an abandoned sofa, with his pants wrapped round his ankles, humping the thing to beat the band!"

Officer Marcos just happened to be passing the scene of the crime, on her day off, when she heard the call go out over her police band radio.

"I seen the perv-perp; stopped my ride; drew my service revolver; fired three shots at point blank range; yes, I killed Mrs. Marple's poodle. But it got in between me and the perp. Then he run off and tripped due to his pants being wrapped about his ankles," said the heroine copper.

"His peter was sticking out like a flagpole," said Johm Glenn, 41, also of Cold Stream Place.

"When he fell face down, I heard his dick break. Then he screamed," said Officer Marcos.

He was taken to a local hospital, then released into police custody.

"The accused made his first court appearence wearing a plaster cast on his schlong," said the Waukesha County District Attorney.

Streetor waived a jury trial.

When asked why he did it, Streetor claimed:

"The couch looked so lonely sitting there, by itself, on the side of the road, in broad daylight. The couch asked for it!"

"A plea bargain is being worked out as this is only his third felony sex rap," said the DA.

Previously, Streetor pleaded No Contest to charges of Intercourse with a Watermelon. His second conviction was for Appearing in Public with a Paw Paw stuck on the end of his penis.

If convicted this time, Streetor could receive a maximum sentence of up to 22 months in State Prison for this offense.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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