Undecided voter Elmer Slocum, 109, of Dixville Notch, New Hampshire was surprised to learn today that his is the "one" vote the Romney camp has targeted to give Mitt the votes of all those not on welfare (50%) plus the winning one vote (Mr. Slocum) from the "moocher" class that Romney insulted earlier. Having voted for the winner in each presidential election since 1924, Mr. Slocum found it ironic that the same guy who insulted him would later beg for his vote.
Dr. Woo Chin, Princeton University Mathematics Science Department head agreed. "A bare majority is 50% plus one. It is common sense that even if you get all the votes from the uninsulted half of voters, you still need one from the insulted half to get a bare majority. Only an out of touch idiot or extraordinarily impolitic douchebag would not get this arithmetic concept," he told us.
Republicans recognized the challenge to get Elmer's vote. In an impromptu interview at a DC bar yesterday with Fox News' Greta Van Susteren, word slurring Republican Party spokesman, Reince Priebus told her: "We must get Elmer to ignore his degrading dependency on the $447 monthly social security handout he uses to pay for the food and only drug he takes- Viagra... Hell. Elmer is not even a total loser because he also gets a $16.75 monthly pension from Monadnock Paper Mill where he worked for 69 years," Priebus yelled at Greta even though she was sitting right next to him (He was hoping to get the attention of the rum swigging floozy two bar stools away).
Priebus conceded his plan to woo Elmer flopped. "The Koch Brothers brought out every New England TV station, all 18 and six radio stations plus four TV stations in Montreal and Quebec City to beam to Elmer's TV and radio 24/7. We just knew our Romney ad that specifically asked Elmer Slocum by name if he was any better off now than four years ago would do the trick. Then we found out Elmer has never owned a TV or radio because he just reads stuff. So we tried buying up every billboard alongside NH-18 from Berlin to Dixville Notch, only to learn Elmer has not owned a car since his Model T was repossessed by the bank in 1933. Shit. He hasn't even been outside Dixville Notch since his son died during the Pappy Bush administration," Priebus said while downing a shot with the panache sure to inspire the floozy to remove the bottle from her lips and offer it to him, he fantasized.
Slocum was contacted today at his cluttered 232 square foot one room home by roving reporter Geraldo Rivera. The centenarian was both pleased and annoyed by all the attention he was receiving. "This fellah Mitwit or some such has been stoppin' by evey day, sometimes twice, since my last Viagaha scrip ran out in June. He even offahed to buy me a new walkah for my daily walkin' to the pahk," Elmer told Geraldo. "He is very persistent 'cause when the missus, Mabel catches him heyah she yells at him to 'get the hell out'," Elmer continued. "Mabel and I have been maahied since the 20s, they tell me. She was my child byide; so she's barely 100 now. She does not trust that Mitwit when he shows up with that Ann lookah. Ayuh. Mabel thinks I will leave hah for one of those shapely 80 yah olds shakin their wicked good booty," Elmer laughed.
"One day Mitwit gave me a Tee-Vee and radyo, told me to just turn 'em on an' watch an' listen, but I could nevah figuah it out so I gave 'em away to friends."
"Are you going to vote for Mitwit," Geraldo asked hoping for a scoop that would bring a smile to his bosses' faces?
"Ayuh, maybe," Elmer replied. "I nevah decide fah suah til I vote, but Mitwit seems like a nice fellah, nevah weahs fancy pants faheign made duds, just wicked good New England textiles. I like that," he said. "I like the othah black fellah, too though... Good lookin' wife an' family, doin' his best in this Hoovah economy, real smaht an' steady at the helm, too."
"Of all your votes, which was hardest," asked Rivera?
"My Gawd. Let's see. Nixon was tough. I nevah trusted him, but still voted feyah him evey time except when he ran 'gainst Kennedy. I knew Dewey was an asshole. I was the only one in the Notch to vote foah Truman that midnight at the lodge like we always do. Voted foah Coolidge but can't foah the life of me remembah why."
"Any votes you regretted later," Geraldo asked?
"Definitely the last two Bush votes," he said. "Almost voted for Pahot [Perot] on account of his runnin' mate Stockton, the retired old sailah admahal who once said at a debate 'Who am I? Why am I heyah'? I liked that. Eisenhowah was my all time favahite 'cause he sent in the troops to Aahkansas so black kids could go to good schools too and made wicked good Supaheme Court picks. Too bad though the Pahty of Lincoln is now the Pahty of Akin an'..."
The interview was interrupted by a commotion in the street. "Get outt. Gooo Awayyy," Mabel was yelling at Romney as he got out of a black Cadillac. A polite secret service woman was talking to Mabel calming her down with such a soothing voice that when Geraldo looked back Elmer was sound asleep.