SOUTH PARK COLORADO (ABSNN) - "Oh my God! They killed Kenny! Bastards," said a sobbing fifth grader at South Park Elementary School located in this fictional town.
In the wake of repeated calls for Federal action by a Fox News Host (whose name I cannot speak), President Barack Obama ordered Federal Agents to "surround the school and arrest six fifth graders acccused by Fox of 'blasphemy.'"
"I have ordered Federal Agents of the Deptartment of Cartoon-Land Security, the FBI, and the US Army Reserves to get those cartoon kids and shut them up," said Obama.
President Obama was dressed in the military uniform of a six-star Admiral-General. He took part in the raid.
"I personally led the raid that got the blasphemers. It was my weapon that killed the kid, Kenny. It is sad I killed Kenny (Bastard!) but I had to act, the debates start in five weeks," he explained.
"They pissed everybody off with their school's muscial plays that made fun of Jesus, Mohammed, Joseph Smith, the Bhudda, and other prominent religious leaders," Obama pointed out.
"There could have been an all-out civil war had I not taken these drastic, but politically correct, actions," he told the nation from the South Park Town Hall where his Command Post was set up.
"At this moment, approximately 650 Federal Agents and US Army troops are occupying the entire town. The school has been locked down. We have detained six students from the fifth grade who are accused of committing blasphemy against Jesus Christ," said Lt. General Ann Romney.
Obama was accused by towns-people of having bowed the political pressure from Mitt Romney and Fox News in ordering the action against the South Park School.
"He did this to appease the 53% of people not living in trailer parks," said one teacher whose teaching assistant, Mr. Hand, was injured, "maybe fatally," according to the Transgender educator.
"Bullshit, I bow to everybody," said Obama.
"We are saddedned by the death of the little boy Kenny," said a shaken (but not stirred) President.
Republican nominee Mitt Romney praised the President's actions in a email message to his party faithful.
However, he did have "reservations about how the President accomplished the mission."
"He didn't kill enough cartoon characters," Romney lamented.
According to officals on the scene, "There is one dead cartoonie, and there are two injured, one a student--a fat kid named Cartman--and the teaching assistant, a poppet or puppet."
theSpoof.com will, of course, keep you posted.