BILLINGSGATE POST - ELECTION SPECIAL - In a face saving development that could potentially change the way voters look at presidential candidates, the handlers of Barack Obama requested that his head be put into a hermetically sealed bubble so that Mitt Romney can't spit on him during the first Presidential debate on October 3. Citing the Nixon Doctrine as precedent, Democratic advisors to Obama pointed out that facial issues probably caused Nixon to lose the election to John Kennedy in the first debate ever shown on TV.
To preclude fermentation of the President's head during the debate which will be moderated by Jim Lehrer, his advisors are demanding that the bubble not only be hermetically sealed, they are also asking that the temperature within the bubble be lowered to minus 20 degrees Fahrenheit so that Barack does not sweat so profusely if the debate becomes heated.
Smelling a rat (genera Rattus) Romney advisors countered with a proposal that would lower the temperature to minus 120 degrees, hoping to freeze dry Obama's brain before he could flip-flop his position on Gay marriage once more. Research has shown that the Splendid Splinter, baseball hall-of-famer Ted Williams, has not changed his views on any position since his brain was cryogenically frozen at that temperature a few years ago.
NOTE: Dr. Billingsgate, being the first to break this head cooling story, believes that his crack investigator, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler, should be congratulated for unearthing this substantive news story. As is its policy, the BILLINGSGATE POST will stand behind this story with no caveats other than advising readers that providing journalism unabridged, uncensored, and most importantly, without proof, is a thankless mission.