Cairo, Egypt-In a hastily arranged foreign policy trip designed to coincide with the day Romney's presidential campaign set itself on fire and jumped off a cliff, GOP leaders have sent the entire Romney campaign team on a one-way tour of the Middle East. The mission? To collect on all those flowers and candies promised to the U.S. by the Bush Administration after the liberation of Iraq.
Although Romney only vaguely remembered the last administration saying, "U.S troops would be greeted as liberators with candy and flowers thrown at their feet," he took his marching orders like a man, and like any pretend tough-guy running for president in America would do, he set his cross-hairs on a population of poor, hopeless bedraggled people and headed into the wild blue yonder.
Along for the victory lap were Tawdry Soup, Romney's staff, the dedicated and demure mother of the "bitter litter" he now calls his children, and likely secretary of state for his super-awesome cabinet, the snow-white mustachioed John Bolton, whose claim to fame is making the most people throw up in their mouth a little bit.
Before touching down on a smoky runway in the middle of nowhere, Romney paced the aisle of Flat Hair Force One. Choking back tears, he rallied the troops by speaking from the heart for the first time since his disastrous campaign began. "We have to be tough and stand up to the 2 billion Muslims you will most likely see hanging around out there feeling entitled to food and shelter. It's because Obama doesn't act tough and let them know the world doesn't owe them anything. That's why they're all angry, burning things down and such. If Obama acted tough and bombed the hell out of 'em like we would do, they would love us, right John?" Bolton woke up, licked his trademark mustache with his forked tongue, looked around, and asked, "Are we still alive?"
Romney rolled his eyes into the back of his head, momentarily closed them, then shook his head and sighed loudly before continuing, "Starving people, killing them and taking their land and oil without just compensation is what America stands for. It's in my red white and blue-blood to treat other people like dirt, and I, as President of the United States of Israel, will separate the wheat of this world from the weeds. Now, all we need to do is act tough and blow hard and you will see the truth unfold before you. Our job is to make these sand-monkeys feel they owe us something, not the other way around. If we do our jobs correctly, they will oblige by throwing flowers and candy at us, which, according to the GOP intelligence briefing I got this morning, is how they show their appreciation for being humiliated by a wealthy white American snob. Remember, they owe us, we don't owe them. Now, let's go out there and get some candy and flowers, whataya say?"
Everyone on the campaign team squealed with excitement as the doors to Flat Hair Force One were pried open against the howling desert wind. Romney walked down the stairs of the plane followed by his cowering entourage. He tip-toed toward a line of of razor wire, stepping over pieces of shattered buildings and what appeared to be a burning human leg. Suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a hail of smelly 10 1/2 sized shoes coming from every direction. Romney, squinting into the blowing sand, continued to smile and wave as the shoes rained down. He didn't see one piece of candy or anything that looked like a flower. All he could see was human depravity, desperation and a growing shit-storm of ugly brown loafers. A condition that all the bluster from a selfish spoiled-rotten ineffectual presidential candidate in a country thousands of miles away couldn't fix, even if he had all the bombs in the world. Right then, a shoe-bomb bounced off the side of Romney's stubborn head, and to the chagrin of his entourage and the rest of the world's population, fizzled out as it rolled across the bare lifeless ground.
But, always the businessman, Romney turned and instructed one of his aides to gather all the shoes hitting the ground around them, because "every one of these SOB's is going to want their shoe back. Those onion skin socks they wear won't hold together a minute in this gravelly bullshit."
"But how much do we charge them to get their shoe back?" asked the aide. Romney smacked loudly and yelled over the elements, "Figure out how many flowers and candies each one is worth, and charge them twice that." He turned toward the tempest known as the Middle-East and continued his trademark wave resembling someone patting an inferior on the head or mussing their hair. A nervous grimace-smile was topped with those frightened, confused and desperately pleading eyes. His brylcreemed hair, however, remained perfect.