Do you know what's really special if you are unemployed, homeless, hungry, despondent, uneducated, bankrupt, and chronically ill?
It's having a cold, frosty beer, you fool!
And President Obama, having utterly failed at every other "solution" to our rapidly imploding country, is busy in his own little White House brewery, concocting an elixir that will make us feel happy and carefree, despite the fact that we are unemployed, homeless, hungry, despondent, uneducated, bankrupt, and chronically ill.
It's ever so much easier to follow Monty Python's advice, and "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" if you're sprawled out somewhere with glazed eyes and pink cheeks and a golden brewsky clutched in you chapped, dirty hands..
Obama may be missing a spine and a couple of balls, but he is a sweet guy who looks surprisingly cute in an apron, and he truly does want you to "chill" and watch the fireworks as our democracy and our planet flame out in unison. Maybe he'll get Will.i.am to do the soundtrack.
Obama worked his ass off to formulate his special "honey blend," and now, my fellow Americans, if you've got the time, he's got your beer.
It didn't start out that way. In fact, the Obamas' brewery was a secret until 2011. When the story was leaked -- or foamed out somehow -- and the president refused to release his recipe, reporters filed a Freedom of Information Act request. It was rejected. Finally, when the Twitter torrent reached an embarrassing volume, the information was grudgingly handed out.
What I don't get is how the president has time to worry about brewing beer when everything about everything in the whole wide world is going to hell. Isn't this a teensy bit self-indulgent? Why can't he just buy some hearty ale or stout that is lovingly made by one of America's legendary "artisanal brewers"? You know, one of those guys who CREATES GOOD, PRIVATE-SECTOR JOBS!
And what is the White House policy on blood-alcohol levels? How many beers per hour, or per afternoon, is the president permitted to consume? Is his blood monitored? Is there a "designated commander in chief" on any given occasion, who is required to remain alcohol-free in case of World War III?
When Barack and I used to drink together at a bar just outside the gates of Columbia University, he always complained that beer "tastes like piss." I urged him to try my beverage of choice: high-quality bourbon.
He said he can't handle the hard stuff. And I think he's proven that over and over again during his presidency.
The most positive thing I can say about him at this point is: He's no Mitt Romney.