Mitt Romney blasted President Obama today. Calling him "severely soft" and "almost anally apologetic to Muslim monsters" we should be 'designating dead by drone," or at the very least "describing in less alliterative fashion," Mitt minced mots minimally at the Alliteratives Anonymous (other AA) writers' convention held in Anchorage, Alaska.
Reverting to non alliterative prose, Romney told the articulate crowd Obama's "lack of imagination in the limp dickish way he had Osama Bin Laden killed is an outrage and insult to peaceful violence loving Americans everywhere."
"Bin Laden was only shot in the face. Are you kidding me," he asked? "Hell... We shoot our friends in the face," he said, reminding the polite listeners of Dick Cheney's drunken bird hunting mishap in which he shot his 78 year old friend Henry Whittington in the face while missing the quail target totally.
"Now, Rutger Hauer pulling the pin on the grenade firmly ensconced in that terrorist's mouth as Hauer said 'Fuck the bonus' in the 1986 movie Wanted: Dead or Alive, that's the way Osama should have gone if we had a President with balls," Romney said. "Blood, brain matter and bone tissue scattered in whatever is the blast radius of a grenade. That's the way the motherfucker should have been dumped in the ocean... in smithereens"! he exclaimed.
"...Or Harrison Ford (Air Force One, 1997) throwing the terrorist out of Air Force One with the parachute line tied in a noose around his neck and yanking his head off with the force of the 20 ton plane going 500 mph in one direction while the scum's body went out the rear door in the opposite direction with the parachute line still caught on the door as President Harrison Ford yelled at him: 'Get off my plane.'... If I was President this is how Osama's death would have played out," Romney said spitting up testosterone.
"A single gunshot to Bin laden's eye instantly followed by 72 virgins in his lap hardly amounts to torture," Romney summed up. "No. That's just a fuckin' apology with benefits in my book... No fear. No pain. Just you're dead. Now knock yourself out pleasuring yourself for the rest of eternity. What the fuck kind of painless way is that for the mass murderer of thousands to go"?
"What kind of President orders a war or covert operation without having an actual role in its execution," Mitt asked?
"Actually all of them," some wise literate guy from New York heckled. He quickly apologized for his outburst saying: "Sorry. My name is Ron, alliterative addict." ("RON," all the other addicts yelled to Ron in recognition.)
"Very funny," Mitt corrected. "You forget President Bill Pullman in Independence Day, 1996 flew with the air squadron that destroyed the alien invaders. Pretending he was Pullman seven years later, President G.W. Bush announced the end of 'major combat operations' in Iraq (eight years before Obama actually ended the war) while parading in front of a 'Mission Accomplished' banner after becoming the first President ever to land a fixed wing aircraft on the deck of an aircraft carrier (the USS Abraham Lincoln) while wearing a flight suit. Bush could have simply been helicoptered in from the ship he'd been on a few hundred yards away at little expense like Obama would have done. Instead he chose a show befitting a manly commander-in-chief."
"Now that's a man who was up to the job," Mitt finished.