Written by Tawdry Soup
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Sunday, 16 September 2012

image for Ann Romney Launches Flat Hair Force One
Honey Boo Boo! Bring Me My Purse!

Lakeland, Fla-With the presidential elections nearing the finish line, and all their uber-wealthy friends tapped-out, the Romney campaign is now desperate to attract individual donors, especially since individual donors are once again rising to the occasion by flooding the Obama campaign with 10 and 20 dollar bills. The good kind, with the words "In God We Trust" prominently displayed on the back.

To get in on the game, Mitt and Ann Romney have a unique plan. For a minimum donation of only 15 smackers, two lucky donors have a chance to spend the day on Romney's broken-down campaign airplane, lovingly dubbed, Flat Hair Force One, by Ann Romney. She came up with the name to differentiate her plane from that, "rat's nest of nappiness hauling that colored man and his family around, while they destroy our plans to turn America over to the Zionists."

Ann thought up the clever Flat Hair Force One title while she was half asleep Tuesday evening. She immediately jumped up, wrapped herself in the $7500 silk and satin robe she often calls, "this old rag," and roused reporters and campaign staff, who all agreed it was a great idea, and that they would solidify the details in the morning.

Mitt glommed on to the idea first thing Wednesday, and by midday, his advisers were busy as grasshoppers preparing for winter, as they scattered the news across the twitterverse. CBS News caught wind of the plan and breathlessly announced,"In a presidential election filled with promotions designed to engage supporters and raise money, Mitt and Ann Romney just raised the altitude."

Ann spent the rest of the day sitting in front of the mirror on Flat Hair Force One, with her effeminate hairstylist dancing around her, trying to find a grey hole to patch with a luxurious blonde hair extension. She interrupted her pouts and looks of disgust with horrid and unintelligible verbal assaults on a frail Chinese woman, who was attempting to dye Ann's hoo-hoo hair with a Q-tip dipped in an ancient Chinese secret. Every time someone would squeeze past Ann's over-sized Corinthian leather salon chair to get to the washroom, she would holler from between her sharpened fangs, "Welcome to Flat Hair Force One!" This was followed by a laugh that sounded like it was beat out of a dead hyena.

Ann also disclosed to CBS News, "I don't know exactly what our itinerary will be, but if you're one of the winners - I can tell you it will be exciting. And who knows, maybe the winner and I will come up with a better name for the campaign plane." Mitt Romney, in an email to supporters, wrote, "I think Ann's Flat Hair Force One idea is devilishly clever and has a definite ring to it."

The Romney couple are already getting flooded with suggestions for a new name for the plane, even before the winners are announced. They range from the simple, Pimpmobily of the Cumulonimby, to the soaring, Vote for Us, We Aren't Black.

Right now, Believe in America is printed on the side of the recently acquired McDonnell-Douglas 83, but everyone in the Romney camp agrees it's a stretch, because they can't figure out what the hell it's supposed to actually mean. But Flat Hair Force One is something all Republicans can sink their teeth into, and apparently a lot of black women, too. They are flooding the campaign with their butter and egg money to get a chance to have flat hair like Ann Romney.

One of Romney's stanky, bored press agents told Tawdry Soup, "When we touched down at the last campaign stop, the scene was like a food truck pulling up to an Ethiopian refugee camp. Black women were running from everywhere waving 15 dollar bills given to them by Obama's Work to Welfare program." At first, the persnickety Romneys were angry the government was printing 15 dollar bills with Obama's face sporting his iconic smile, but "it's all green," Romney was overheard saying as he greeted the growing mob.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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