Republican Mitt Romney has abdicated his candidacy for President. "I just can't keep up the lies," he told reporters at a hastily-gathered cadre of news reporters at his palatial Hamptons estate.
"I have absolutely no idea what I'd do as President," he explained to reporters as black people stood behind him, fanning him with long-form American birth certificates and women knelt before him, rubbing perfumed oil onto his bare feet with their hair.
"I'd have thought the American people would've caught on by now. I mean, c'mon! I haven't given them a plan - I don't have one! I never paid any attention to Social Security or Medicare - I didn't have to!" he chuckled as he accepted a peeled grape from a plate offered by a bowing illegal alien.
"I've been looking at these polls, and it's just like what's been going on in Congress. It's all about division along party lines. The only reason people are voting for me is because I'm Republican and they're Republican.
Taxes, unemployment, the Federal budget deficit? Oh, sure, I tell everyone I'm gonna fix it all, but have I told anyone how I'd do that? Have I? Not that I know of!" he laughed. "Why? Because I haven't a clue what to do, that's why!
As for foreign policy, hasn't anyone been paying attention to the boneheaded things I said when I was in Europe for the Olympics? Do Americans really want to send me back there representing them? Didn't they hear what I said the other day about the attack on the Libyan Embassy? Think about it! If I disparage a sitting president only moments after a devastating international incident, what does that say about my respect for the office?
If I don't respect the office, doesn't that call into question why I am pursuing it?
Ann and I talked it over, and we're just embarrassed. The nasty stuff our campaign has said about the President? Why would I want to be held up to that kind of ridicule?
Nope", he said, shaking his overly large head. "I'm going back to being a Mormon church leader. You can say anything you want to your congregation and they don't challenge your authority. Ever. They know better than that."