Washington, DC-- The Department of Homeland Insecurity has begun mailing an ounce of marijuana per week to all of the 312 million citizens of the United States. The government expects some tough times ahead in the next few months, and they want everyone to be as relaxed as possible. The marijuana is being sent by the Post Office and should arrive in people's homes by Tuesday.
The marijuana from the government is very strong and extremely intense. It comes from secret hybrid farms on the Big Island of Hawaii. The government recommends smoking ten hits of weed every four hours. Good citizens should have a nice buzz-on the entire day.
The Department of Homeland Insecurity is doing this because very bad days will soon be here. Massive hyperinflation, a likely nuclear war in the Middle East and a presidential election are just weeks away. The government doesn't want people rioting in the streets.
'Just relax. Smoke a little weed. Chill out." recommended Department of Homeland Insecurity chief Janet Napolitano. "Drink a little wine with it, we have everything under control." she said.
The government plans to mail an ounce of weed a week at least until 2013. It depends how bad things get.
"We are also thinking of adding vodka to the country's water supply and maybe some acid too." said Ms. Napolitano. "We are from the government and we are here to help you."