Written by Adam Click
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Saturday, 8 March 2014

image for Pagan Baby Finally Arrives Forty Two Years late
Miriam Moeller's "Pagan Baby" grew up in a postal service sorting office after a label fell off his crate.

When Miriam Moeller slipped a dollar and forty cents into an envelope in her fourth grade Catholic school classroom during a "Pagan Baby Campaign",she fully expected to get a pagan baby in return. She dutifully kept vigil by her mailbox for days. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months.

"You grow up and you learn that these kinds of things are just silly. Nobody is going to send you a baby just because you spent your allowance on them.",Mrs. Moeller said before she was informed that her "Pagan Baby" was indeed on it's way last week.

This past Tuesday, Miriam, now grown with children of her own, was presented with a fully grown "Pagan Baby". No, he didn't spend all this time in some jungle in asia but rather the sorting room of the Manhattan post office. There he learned to sort mail, eventually learned the alphabet and simple math, and went on to become a highly respected mailman.

The Pagan Baby, Morrock Mobama, began his long journey to become Mrs. Moeller's when he was scooped up by missionaries during a "baby safari" in the remote jungles of Kenya. He spent ten harrowing days at sea packed in a small crate, in a shipping container full of fellow "Pagan Babies", followed by a week going through customs before he was shipped off to New York City in accordance with the instructions on the label of his crate.

Somewhere between the customs office and the sorting office, that label was lost. Despite several attempts to contact the shipper, the post office received no response. Young Morrock, who only learned his original name after Mrs. Moeller brought him home, grew up as Phil Cosby.

Robert Fish, the postal inspector whose efforts lead to the closure of Mr. Crosby's case was somewhat circumspect about the outcome. "In some ways I'm happy for them, and the case file is finally closed, which is always good. On the other hand, we are losing one fine employee."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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