Written by mikewadestr
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Topics: Bombs, Airplane

Monday, 10 September 2012

image for Pilot Refuses to Land Plane after Receiving Bomb Threat
C'mon! That's not a real bomb! It's the back of my dad's head.

Airline Pilot Peter Paranoid has simply refused to land his Bombastic Airlines plane at the Newark, New Jersey Airport as ordered after authorities received a threat there was a bomb aboard the plane.

"Not Again! Oh my God! Not fucking again!" screamed Mr. Paranoid when told of the threat by Newark Airport control tower personnel. "This is the seventh time in the last two months! Man! Every time this has happened I've had to land in Newark. I fucking hate Newark!"

After getting the news of the bomb threat, Mr. Paranoid ran out of the cockpit and making his hand in the form of a gun began moving his thumb up and down and screaming "Bang! Bang!"

To the surprise of everyone and himself, his hand was loaded. He shot out three windows on the port side of the plane and three Amway salesmen on the starboard side before retreating back into the cockpit and locking himself in.

"Well no wonder why they ban kids from having these on the playground", Paranoid was heard saying to himeself as the cock pit door closed behind him.

He would have shot more Amway salesman but his thumb jammed when he tried to swish a bugger off the end of his nose.

From inside the cockpit, Mr. Paranoid continued to rant at the Newark Airport control tower personnel by rambling:

"It's a hoax just like the rest of them, yessirreee! And I know who's doing this. It's that Bob guy from that god damn collection agency. Geez, you miss a couple of payments on an Antarctica time share watermelon farm and bam! They throw everything at you. Hell, I never even had a chance to visit the place!"

"No, I'm going straight to La Guardia. Fuck Newark! The last time I went to Newark someone stole my Marv Albert doll".

"Hey! Do you guys from the tower want to hear something really weird? When I opened up the cockpit door my toupee got sucked out the window and when I checked on all the passengers they were all white with their eyes bug eyed and bloodshot. None of those masky things dropped down from the overhead when the cabin depressurized".

"Oh and another thing, you guys might want to have maintenance check out the emergency pressurization system light. It keeps blinking red. Is that normal?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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