Late Friday afternoon, a dark cloud descended on Mitt Romney's election team. They suddenly came to the realization that even if, "corporations are people too, my friend," corporations cannot actually vote.
"All this time we've run our campaign with all our rhetoric targeted to corporations," says Romney Campaign Manager, Matt Rhodes. "Then yesterday, as we celebrated 12 million people still being out of work, by drinking a 20,000 dollar bottle of Henri Jayer Richebourg Grand Cru wine, I had an epiphany. It was the sudden realization that corporations cannot go into a voting booth and pull the lever in favor of our guy. We also realized all the populist gobbledygook coming from Obama was really just old fashioned politikin'. You know, where the person running for office talks to real humans on a human level. We've been living so high above the fray, we didn't know such a thing as real humans even exist, much less vote. We just thought the 99% were simply well-trained animals who did what Ann Romney told them, as long as she pointed at them with a 500 dollar manicure and gave them a stern look."
In an exclusive with Tawdry Soup, Rhodes reported Romney is going to do an about face and try to relate to those fat two-legged smelly things hanging around every campaign stop, who wear funny hats, waive cheapo American flags and chant, "Nu-As-Say, or something like that." The plan is to replace Romney's robotic posture, plastic matronly smile he beams around the room and monochromatic voice with the only other voice he's ever used; the voice of a spoiled brat pleading and whining for someone to give him something he wants-in this case, your vote. Rhodes explained, "It took Romney some practice to feign like he was asking for something, since it's been such a long time. But there is a sense of urgency, especially after Obama went down to Charlotte and tore Romney a new asshole. Somehow, Obama managed to go through enough populist rhetoric in 40 minutes to make Eva Peron rise from the dead and clatter with glee."
Rhodes went on, "Mitt spent several hours practicing his new tone over and over with no tangible result. Then his mentor, Zionist billionaire and wing-man, Sheldon Adelson, became frustrated, and told Romney to think of a time when he really wanted something and had to ask for it. Romney thought for a minute, and remembered that spring morning back in 1967, when he bet his friend 100,000 dollars the retarded kid they just ran over in Romney's new AMC Javelin wouldn't get up from the pavement. Unfortunately for young Mitt, the retarded kid only bounced off the piece of shit AMC car, and managed to teeter to the curb unhurt. The problem was Romney needed daddy's signature to withdraw that kind of dough, and had to go downtown and plead his case to his wealthy and well-connected father."
According to Rhodes, "As we watched the transition of Romney ratcheting himself down from advantaged asshole to a rough-hewn everyman, you could see Romney was at first overtaken by the pleasure of remembering how good it felt to run over someone less privileged than himself with a corporate tool, then he mentally placed himself in his daddy's office, where he made his case for pissing away 100,000 dollars of someone else's money. Suddenly, in front of our eyes, our cherished candidate unfurled the new tone he will use for the rest of his run to the Oval Office; a pleading, insincere, taking you for granted whine, in which he pleads for your vote using a tone that says: I can't believe you don't see the world through my soulless selfish persona. Now give me your money-I mean, your vote-right now, you dirty rat-bitten ignoramuses!"
Tawdry Soup, under a "triple tick-a-lock throw away the key super-secret promise," also gained access to Romney's upcoming hard-hitting sound-bite that perfectly compliments his new whiny tone, and is guaranteed to make the Obama campaign rock back on its heels. Rhodes says it will be tricky to deliver, as Romney doesn't want to look like the offal that he is. However, if delivered just right, this sound bite is guaranteed to define Romney as the new leader of the free world: "Vote for me, or I will hold my breath!" Rhodes and Romney both agree it is a powerful and haunting reminder of Patrick Henry's, "Give me Liberty, or Give me Death."
And if all that doesn't work, says Rhodes, "Romney will re-introduce America to God and the 1950's. In this scenario, Romney recites the Pledge of Allegiance with the look of a a dumb-struck third-grader, while making sure the words, "UNDER GOD" are emphasized. Following that, Romney will continue his walk down memory lane with a vintage cold war duck and cover drill."
If they still don't hit pay dirt, Plan C is to show an old Amos and Andy episode to the crowd. But in this stroke of back-patting genius, the Romney campaign uses video-editing to change the title from Amos and Andy to Hope and Change. Romney will then lead the crowd in an unabashed snickerfest.