The white shark which had washed up dead on Southy And Kinda Westy Beach in Massachusetts was not just dead, but was a zombie shark and a loan shark as well as a writer for the reality show the Jersey Shore.
This was discovered after the founding fisherman, Lenny Lure, tied the 13 foot, 1600 lb. shark to the back of his moped in order to take it to the police station to pass it off as his missing wife in order to collect on an insurance policy. Mr. Lure didn't even get a chance to make more than one annoying as hell, high pitched moped rev, when the shark bit off his head and then spit it right back out with a perfectly good Ronnie Ortiz-Magro pointy hair cut on it.
The shark freed itself and jumped into a waiting cab which drove off in the direction of Boston.
Homeland Security has put out a code red over the incident, especially since several witnesses claimed the shark was wearing a turban, sporting a beard and selling Amway.
When asked how bad the situation really was, President Obama speaking from inside a coffee can with holes in the lid at an undisclosed location at 6744 Ellsworth Street NW, Washington DC stated:
"We are in war mode and right now we are in the process of nuking New York City".
When asked, why New York City and not Boston the president responded:
"We don't like New York City".
"We don't like the Jersey Shore either which is why we're nuking them too.".
"As for the shark, we were thinking about putting a special agent on it, someone who knows how to deal with hardened zombie terrorists like this shark. Unfortunately, our best prospect, Jack Bauer from the TV show 24 turned us down. I'm told it had something to do with the shark having no thighs to shoot".