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Friday, 7 September 2012

image for Original Sin Forgiven as Woman Menstruates Jesus

The Pope has declared Original Sin forgiven upon hearing that a woman has menstruated Jesus. The woman in her thirties was routinely about to change her sanitary towel when she saw a face staring up from between her legs. Upon closer inspection the woman who lives somewhere in the Midwest realised that it was the visage of Our Lord printed with her own menstrual blood.

Since then the sacred sanitary towel has been declared a relic and thousands have flocked from all over the country to visit the crimson Jesus. The Pope has issued a statement declaring that the menstrual Messiah is a sign that Original Sin has been forgiven. He said,

"Through the conception chamber of this Divine Menstruator, a new era of Christianity has come forth. The bible factually states that when a woman experiences her monthly flow she is unclean. However, the heavenly face of Jesus is a clear message from the Lord that Original Sin is forgiven. We know that Eve and, therefore, all women are the ultimate sources of Original Sin. Jesus has chosen menstrual fluid to visit us and clearly this signals the cleansing of woman and her monthly affliction. From God's stab wound, the crimson impurity has been blessed with the most divine man. Therefore, all menstruating women now bleed for the sins of man."

The event has been highly influential across many Christian denominations. The Westboro Babtist Church has created a new website entitled "God Loves Menses." Additionally, the Vatican are producing a special line of consecrated sanitary towels for Christian women, which can be purchased at all popular churches. The Vatican will not be producing a tampon range, stating that the penetration of the "female Jesus halo" during menstruation is a mortal sin.

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