On the heels of Chuck Norris' critically acclaimed Romney campaign ad warning of "1,000 years of darkness" should Obama win reelection, Mitt Romney held a press conference just minutes ago to announce he was replacing VP pick Paul Ryan with the charismatic Norris to more convincingly lie the way bad actor Ryan could not. "When Chuck Norris says that he ran 26 miles in less than two hours, not only will the actor Norris appear to believe it, so will voters who saw his movies The Octagon and Invasion USA. When Chuck says he 'busted some heads, splintered furnishings and head butted GM executives into reversing that Wisconsin plant closing that the Obama economic collapse caused during the Bush Administration, who would not want to see the movie based on that fictional storyline," Romney asked?
"Who would dare tell Chuck Norris to his face that he was lying about being the U.S. Navy Seal sniper who shot three Somali pirates between the eyes to rescue that American hostage on the high seas in 2009? You, Geraldo [Rivera], would you have the balls to tell Norris he was not the U.S. sailor whose mere presence caused fifteen Somali pirates to throw up their hands in surrender, thereby freeing thirteen Iranian fishermen early this year? I didn't think so," said a laughing Mitt. "They don't give trophies for the truth when the truth is it took Ryan four hours plus to complete a marathon... But Americans would sure as hell be moved to vote for you if they thought you pummeled and kicked a grizzly bear into unconsciousness and front-snap kicked some North Korean border guards or Iranian Republican Guards into sniveling submission, if not personally forearm snapped Bin Laden's and Gaddafi's necks."
"The Norris choice is an easy one," Mitt continued. "On the one hand, do I want the duplicitous and flip flopping Washington wimp Paul (Ayn Rand-fan-before-nonfan-and-Obama-critic-for-opposing-same-Medicare-changes-as-you-did) Ryan?... Or do I choose Chuck Norris who said stuff like: 'If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you' (Code of Silence, 1985) and: 'If you come back in here, I'm going to hit you with so many rights, you're going to beg for a left' (Invasion USA, 1985) and: 'Sleep tight, sucker' (The Delta Force, 1986)."
"That campaign ad showing Chuck and his extraordinarily lovely wife wearing Spandex while standing in front of that trophy laden book shelf, like Chuck's movie lines, leaves nothing to the imagination. What you see is what you get. Sincerity?... Check. Passion?... Check. Bad ass gun toter hawking ridiculously overblown dire consequences of Obama II?... Check and check."
"How many martial arts and kick boxing trophies did Ryan win or can he be plausibly believed to have won," Romney asked? "Some guys are big on talk about all their fantasy achievements. Not Chuck. Remember all those times he played a Texas Ranger who was always saving the lovely, whiny and needy Alex from evildoers in Walker Texas Ranger? That really brought home to me just how tenuous our lives are. No-big-talk action heroes do not grow on trees unless you know to tune in at the right time to some obscure TV channel repeating such Norris classics as Lone Wolf McQuade, A Force of One, Silent Rage, Hellbound and Missing in Action."
"No one on the planet can boast having quickly created more jobs for so many scummy punks who were just as quickly killed off than Chuck Norris," Romney finished with a flourish.
"What about Ann Coulter for VP," asked Geraldo Rivera? "I read her tweet 'Bill Clinton just impregnated Sandra Fluke backstage.' That's pretty nasty bad ass stuff. Isn't it? Is not she the kind of mainstream Republican who would have multi gender appeal, too"?
"Well, I think you are confusing hermaphrodite appeal with lady appeal, though perhaps I am being overly generous to suggest brass balls Coulter is capable of being impregnated... heh, heh," Romney replied.