Written by Derrick Naylor-Made
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Wednesday, 5 September 2012

image for Frustrated college graduates wipe asses with diplomas
frustrated college graduate

U.S. college graduates, fed up with the job market and slow economy, have began wiping their asses with their diplomas in protest.

The nationwide protests, known as the "Univershitty Protests," have spread online via social networks as thousands of graduates have been posting pictures of their stained diplomas online.

"I may not be able to find a respectable career with my degree," recent MIT graduate Donald Cooper said, "but at least now I can save the family money on toilet paper."

The protests were sparked from a demonstration at Purdue University. Three recent graduates who had been living on the streets wiped their asses with their degrees and marched across campus.

"We wanted to send a message to everyone that our education system is setting us up for failure," original protester Jamie Bridges said. "Plus, to be honest, the diploma paper actually makes for a comfortable wipe."

University deans across the nation have been quick to show their displeasure with the protests. The most outspoken, hilariously, has been Brown University Dean Katherine Bergeron.

"I'm not going to sign my name to some official document just so some punk kids can wipe their asses with it," Burgeron said. "A Brown degree can get you much further in life than a brown degree can."

With hundreds of new pictures appearing online each day, there is no end in sight for the Univershitty Protests. It seems only an improved job market can stop this disgustingly comical and tragic event.

"This isn't the worst protest I've seen in my lifetime," Bergeron said, "but it is definitely the poopiest."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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