Written by dav
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Topics: Los Angeles, Vote

Tuesday, 11 November 2003

image for Gallagher Triumphs
Guess What... I Actually Won!

LOS ANGELES, CA--Nearly 6 weeks after totally devastating gubernatorial candidate hopeful Todd Richard Lewis, a 56 year old; non-partisan Leo Gallagher issued a celebratory statement, "Now that every last vote has been accounted for, in this amazing America, a land that can acknowledge our differences and recall loser SOB's like Davis. I stand before all of you beloved people today, to extend my righteous middle finger at Mr. Lewis."

Had Lewis not run in the California recall election campaign, Gallagher would not have appeared nearly as victorious as he stands today. Surpassing 119 other complete 'Losers' as Mr. Gallagher calls them, to achieve an amazing rank well above the expected average for a non-recognizable public figure such as he. Gallagher smiles wide as the banner is raised above his head, ranking his efforts at 16th among 135 eligible candidates. Leo's personal satisfactions, and mischievous tone, are often welcomed as inoffensive during a time where almost anything is permissible; with proper financial contributions.

When questioned about his inability to cope with his loss, Mr. Gallagher took a commanding stance, pulled on his libido muscle, and made farting sounds that actually sounded as though they were coming from his rectum. Perhaps adding a talent of impersonation to his long list of accomplishments: actor, comedian, writer, musician, prop comic and now ventriloquism and a sensitive gift of comical impressions.

After a while, Gallagher took the mic from his pants and spoke to the crowd of some 1100 peers. "What failure, do we not understand exponentials? Non-electable jerks like me never go anywhere in life, and it shouldn't be surprising to anyone that I don't sit at home crying and wailing at the knee. Hell no! I stand tall, I gloat and swear it all off on to the shoulders of an overburdened and paying audience for my therapy!"

The final totals read that L. Gallagher received 5,146 votes, and T. Richard Lewis falling way behind at a mere 182 votes. Mr. Lewis wife Belyonci left him when the results published that he had finished dead last. She was reported to say that she was flat out 'mortified' and that she 'can't go on pretending that her husband has any reasonable potential for success.'

To conclude the press conference, he commented that, "It goes to show you that no one is, as no one does on his or her own. They need help, even if it's just a little bit for some madness." Leo Anthony Gallagher earns his living by smashing countless vegetables, pastry, milk, glass, meat, and canned goods with a custom made sledge hammer. He is an honest entrepreneur/performer, which has established a notable, respectable affiliation with the economical growth inside California. He has single handed raised more money by being funny than any other non-elected gubernatorial candidate to date.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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