Written by K.C. Bell
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Tuesday, 4 September 2012

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The mystery guest for the final night of the Democratic convention in Charlottesville, North Carolina, was actor Danny De Vito. Mr. De Vito walked on stage carrying a six-foot tall floor lamp, stood it next to the podium and switched it on. One of the light bulbs was not working.

De Vito shrugged and proceeded to ask the floor lamp the first of three question: You talk about your love for the American people, why won't you let the American people see your tax returns for the last ten years? After a short pause, Mr. De Vito appeared shocked. He then replied that he could never tell the American people to do that to themselves.

Next question: The American people want to know: Why were you in favor of the war in Vietnam, but skipped off to Paris when your draft number came up, and subsequently took four deferments? Mr. De Vito waited and again replied that he could never tell the American people to do that to themselves.

The final question, Mr. De Vito explained, was about the floor lamps self-advertised business acumen: What is the square root of twenty-four? The remaining three light bulbs on the floor lamp flickered for a few seconds and then one popped and shattered into pieces. Mr. De Vito proceeded to pick up the floor lamp and walk off stage.

Quack News reporters unanimously issued a fatwa on Mr. De Vito, while reporter Heather Candybarr asked, "The square root of twenty-four is seven, isn't it?"

Chris Matthews of MSNBC said that De Vito's walking off with the floor lamp was reminiscent of the final scene from Casablanca. "This is the beginning of a beautiful relationship."

Incumbent Senator Claire McCaskill of Missouri took the podium next to introduce President Obama, but first blasted opponent, Todd Akins, for saying that women have poison gas in their vagina that can be switched on and kill 'legitimate rape sperm' automatically.

Finally, President Obama's marched onstage. His message clear: "Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive."

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