Written by Tawdry Soup
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Sunday, 2 September 2012

image for Republican Answer to White House Brewhaha has Haitian Flair

Although Republican Congressman John Boehner chastised the President's release of his favorite beer recipe by exclaiming, "I guess we now know what's caused the country's financial woes. Obama's too busy spending money like a drunken sailor," the GOP is secretly terrified the home-made beer recipe, offered by the White House to secure the hipster elite vote, may actually cause mass defections to the democrats from the Honey Boo Boo and NASCAR crowd.

To counterpunch, the Republicans have scoured their ranks to find a voodoo priestess, who just happens to be their top woman economist, Marie Laveau. She's been tasked with the burden of coming up with a special beer formula, guaranteed to knock the socks off any pre-convention momentum the Democrats might gain from their latest ploy to siphon votes from the factually-challenged Romney-Ryan team.

The new concoction, code-named: Mambo Jumbo, can be made in any kitchen or grass hut, but care must be taken so the whole thing doesn't blow up in your face. Tawdry Soup, skulking through the dark damp back-alleys and passageways of post-Isaac New Orleans, while clutching a dried monkey's fist to his chest, was able to cast a few spells of his own, and get access to a list of special ingredients and delicate procedures needed to make operation Mambo Jumbo work out as planned.


· Little finger of bullied gay teenager driven to suicide.
· The "I" of Newt.
· Two lizards desiccated from global warming.
· The tooth of a dressage horse.
· Drop of Blood from a middle-class taxpayer. (very rare)
· A shock of gray hair from an old wang-dang sweet poontang.
· Skull of baby born with horrific deformities because mother had no access to abortion.
· A mess of crocodile tears.
· A drop of Clint Eastwood's flop sweat.
· Generous handful of gunpowder.
· One of Dick Armey's thick-ass toenails.


Place ingredients in a gris-gris bag made of the skin of a Palestinian woman, and bind it tightly with the iron-grip of oppression, so nothing can possibly leak out.

In a 6-quart pot, add 2.25 qts of water. Heat to boiling, then turn heat down to 155 degrees. Place gris-gris bag into the water and let steep for 45 minutes. Throw in some dry yeast and a bunch of sugar-laced imagery from the 1950's. Keep adding the imagery until the brew looks like something any idiot could possibly stomach. Remove from heat.

Gather at least seven republicans around the pot, where they chant three times the following phrase: Sa u we la si u kota (Look around and say: Are you satisfied?)

The voodoo priestess, or Mambo, then bangs on a holy drum, called an Assoto, five times between each chant, while smacking her lips loudly to be sure the concoction is vibrating at the same cosmic level as the Mitt Romney campaign.

Pour the mixture into a bottomless bucket of despair. Set the bucket in front of the TV and place 11 gold coins around it. Allow the mixture to blanch for one hour in the gentle glow of the Sean Hannity Show. By the end of the show, the voodoo brew will have curdled and turned a stark emotionless white.

Store the beer in a dark, cool location to keep it away from the evil eye of the democrats. If a democrat wants a sample, they must sit on the floor with their mouth open like a hungry baby bird. The brew is poured through a dirty pair of Ann Coulter's panties, where it trickles down into the mouth of the thirsty recipient.

When it comes to democrats, Mambo Jumbo is a treat best served cold. Most republicans prefer theirs served lukewarm.

According to Voodoo Priestess Laveau, shaking the remnants of the brew from Ann Coulter's panties outside after dark will cause someone in your family to die.

User Advisory: After consuming, the drinker descends into a possession in which they lose touch with reality and the human spirit. They begin to dance in a sacred dance known as the yanvalou, while they chant Lese bo loa-a (Let me kiss the God) and smack their lips uncontrollably. As the possession by the Loa (God) takes hold, the drinker will stagger around mindlessly for a few minutes, then look wide-eyed at the ceiling and see pseudo-scientific visions such as someone riding a dinosaur or a blustery old man painting butterfly wings. Then, they will prostrate themselves on the ground before standing up, shaking their head, and claiming they've never been "tipsified" and only drink Diet Cherry Pepsi. The ceremony usually ends on a gay-bashing note.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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