Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: Americans, sperm

Saturday, 1 July 2006

image for Bush Condemns Disclosure Of Terrorist Sperm Count
"None of your business."

President Bush yesterday sharply condemned the disclosure of a program to secretly monitor the sperm count of suspected terrorists, as well as the sperm count of Americans. The inclusion of American sperm count was explained by: you never know; just in case; these things should be kept on file; for the good of our Homeland Security.

"The disclosure of this program is an outrage and treasonous," dumped President Bush. "For the media to leak the sperm count program to the internets does great harm to the United States of America and to our soldiers fighting in Iraq. Now," he added, with the wave of a hand, "we've lost the war on terror. Boom. It's over. Like, it's so all over."

Men throughout the country were also ticked. "Our bodily functions are private. It is our body and it is our right to disclose our sperm count on the world wide net, or decide to keep the issue private. Just because we want the sperm count right to privacy, does not suggest we are a bunch of non-Christian, devil worshipping, saber rattling, euthanasia bent, flag burning sluts."

The sperm count government program (initiated by the Vice President's office on the afternoon of September 11, 2001) used broad government surveillance tactics, allowing U.S. counter terrorism analysts to obtain sperm counts and place them in a giant database maintained by a company in a secret location somewhere in Sweden. The program routed millions of daily acts by tax paying Americans; as well as terrorists.

A furious President Bush added, pounding the podium for emphasis, "Congress was briefed and what we did was okay under the law. I say so and so says the Attorney General I appointed. You have to follow the sperm count and that's exactly what we were doing."

So men are getting their numbers up on the internet scoreboard and they feel it's an invasion of privacy! Big so what! Women have endured the: 36, 26, 36; statistic since the creation of the tape measure. Letters are also incorporated into this statistic; witnessed most recently when Jessica Simpson's father, a former minister, referred to his daughter in terms of, "A pair of D cups."

While the government monitors telephone calls, emails, banking transactions, and domestic sperm counts, another form of peekaboo is hidden at a undisclosed fjord in Norway, secretly measuring frequency and duration.

"Ummmm, you'd be doing a heck of a job if you would delete my name."

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